Have you ever had the mental dilemma of looking at the ground and seeing a very familiar, unique, red liquid on the ground and look all over the place trying to find the source and them saying to your self.... "oh shit that's my blood." I am having that feeling right now. I have been in a place where i am using a line from grey's anatomy where Bailey tells her ex- husband that she is only composed of tape and glue and all her energy is being put toured that effort. And that she has no energy to share away from just keeping her self together with the glue and the tape. Right now all that is hold me together is tape and glue and the all came undone. The over coming numbness is engulfing me right now. I am broken and i guess that is a good thing. Because there is no where to go but up. I just got deferred on my acceptance letter. I will now not find out till April if i get in to moody. And hell yes there will be getting a call from my bright and early Monday morning. But still I am in a really gross place. I know have to decide if i an even going to go back to Spokane. Why could my life just be easy on this one park. Oh because that would be to convenient. Look i really am ok. In a shit fest, yes, but am i going to do something reckless well not likely. But still this really sucks. So i am ok, this post was just to let you know what y moody letter said. And i will be calling some of you but I am not in the mode right now. Love you,
AL

I am coming back..... slowly

I hate beginning blogs after i have spent a lot of time way. This is my third time trying to wright something to start this blog. And like the fiftieth blog that i have started on break. I just never finished any of the other blogs. (I did not edit this post cause i don't have time, but i want to post it anyway)

I have slowly been reappearing in my life. I kinda left for a wail and feel like i may be here once again. But i am still working on that. As i picked up my journal today I fond that it had collected much more dirt than thoughts and words over this break. I open up to a empty page and started wighting. It felt natural and good to just start and kinda allow my mind to word vomit with out really thinking. To let go and just wright. In the few minutes that it took me to say what i wanted to say it held my more understanding and insight then i thought would. here it is......

Dear friend,

It has been a wail and i can i=understand how blank and with out your pages have been. The ink in my pen had run out and been dry. Screaming to be used. Begging to live. To be the tool that would say beautiful and wonderful things. It do what it was meant to do. I can understand this because it is a reflection of my life. Empty sheets passed by. Wighting a story yet getting lost wail conducting it. Loosing a part of me along the way. I wonder if I stopped wighting and left these pages bare because i did not want what my life was looking like, and did not want where i was to be a part of my story. If by keeping them blank i would allow my self to not have to take ownership or acceptance that this was and is my life right now. By hiding my words from my journal i would hopefully look past this last few month and the next few and forget, and live with out them. I could hid for this very idea. Because this was different for my plan, from what my life was "suppose" to look like. But here i am once again knowing that I was wrong and that this is part of my life and i am still here. My life is not over and i have decided to life in it. To stay present and to trust.

I feel like i can be me. Which is a first in a wail. This semester just held a lot more than i thought it would. I lost my priorities and got caught up on hard things that were unexpected. But i am here am i am ok. So I am trusting God, listening to David Crowders Church Music, discovering Kalamazoo, and waiting for my moody chicago letter which is coming in one week. But i am still here and i hope that you my readers stay with me still on my muddy journey. :) I love you all very much.