Why I've been Away

So I have not written in couple days and for that I am sorry, however its been because I have been making memories. I do not have a bucket list but i do have things that I want to do. So here are a few......

Getting revenge against Tim for steeling my phone. I waited and then several weeks latter I stole his keys so he was stranded around campus for about an hour. 

Getting what I wanted at a White elephant gift exchange. This is Eric, You may have heard about him from all of my roommates post on Facebook about him. 

This holds two, Sitting on Santa's lap. And breaking the SLG (kinda) and getting a picture of said rule breaking. 

Getting a picture with a friend wail being covered in Christmas lights. 

This is just a great picture that I wanted to post. This would be Bailey. 

Getting a picture with Adam Swing.... And his picture face. 

Being an adult and taking a picture in one of these. 

Planking on the "L". I have a pretty strong neck. :) 

AND then the last is brought to you by Ellen. Its called the dance dare. I plan to get a better one but this is the best I have so far. 

Just a thought

Tonight I watched the King's Speech. Its one of my favorite movies that always leaves me interred by different quotes. The one that caught me tonight was when Bertty and Lineal were apologizing to one another and Lineal spoke the truth that Bertty no longer had to be afraid of his life. Of his father and brother mocking and making him fear them. Of his nanny who abused him and of the places that were wrong with him that needed correcting. 

I know this is an odd thing to ask but I wonder what Christ feared? As a child if he had a nightmare and he would wake up and know that he was all right and that his heavenly father was watching over him, but the fear would not fade straight away. What did he fear in him life. Fear is not a sin; it’s the moment that we stop trusting God and start putting our dependence in something else. When we make an idol that we can be calmed and comforted in. I believe that Jesus was afraid thought out his life. 

When I think of moments of fear, I start thinking about where Jesus was with me. Is it strange that in my memory and recollection of that moment I see Jesus in the room with me sometimes? Not like I actually saw him, but that I know he is in the corner right next to me. Its odd but tonight I thought about where I have been comforted in the midst of my fear, and where my comforter has been able to allow me to feel peace. In the bible it says that we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with us. I don't know if its the power of the divine God just allowing me to feel peace, but there is a part of me that feels somewhat connected and understood in the idea that fear is not something that Christ can not compare to. 

Just something that made me think tonight. 

My Mom is Not to Old for Anything Especially Sparkly Shorts

So tonight my friend and me were sitting in my room talking, and the topic turned to our moms. As I talked about what I was thinking about for stocking stuffers this year for my family, I have a somewhat epic idea for my mom. As I was talking about it one of my friends turned to me and said your mom would wear that? To which I responded with "Oh Yah." She then said yah I think my mom could wear something like that however she thinks she's too old. I then talked about how my mom has an epic pair of sparkly silver sequin shorts (Watch the video to see them )from urban outfits. She flipped and I fond a picture of her wearing them at a Christmas party last year. "Your mom looks really good!" "Oh, I know."

Thought this conversation I fond one comment that was left in my mind....

"My mom is not to old for anything."

When I think of my mom I have fond my self-linking her with many memories of Michigan. Know grated this is the most recent times, however there is something more. Michigan held life for my mom many years ago. It’s a life that allowed her to live. Its where she was invited to more, not for the first time, but for a new and life changing time. I remember growing up meant you had to be composed, this was a message that has made its way thought my family, and my mom branched out for me. I remember countless conversation and opportunities where this was not asked of me from my mom. I did not have to be like even one else and I did not have to take off my winter hat just because it was 98 degrees outside. I did not have to be composed but mom did. I do remember getting a little older and looking at mom and seeing two sides. There was her home life where she smiled and was warm and ungraded and then there was Mrs. Tracy who was at church. Mom was more composed and contained. 

This was pretty consistent till one day that I will never forget, it was after mom had returned from Michigan and she said that we were going somewhere but that it was a surprise. I was shocked when she led me into Claire’s at the mall. She said that we together were going to get our cartilage pierce now I had been asking for months for this and the answer was a no. But after this trip mom changed her mind and not only allowed me to get it (not that day because of complications but a story for another time) she also got her pierced. After this things changed, mom changed she was not two people any more, she was free to be herself.  

After we moved to Michigan things were even more different. It was hard for all of us, but there was something magical in how mom moved in this space. With a heaviness yet a settled heart. I remember walking thought our kitchen still feeling hesitant and mom just meeting my eyes. Smiling talking about our home and the plans. Where she taught my room would be and where we would put everything. There was life resonating in the walls. When I was able to put thought together I proceed that this was the house and in that kitchen that mom was invited to life in a new way, and where she was first invited to be as free as I was because of her. Where she would leave the spectators seats and join me on the field. She made this leap by getting her ear pierced with me. 

This house is where my mom decided she was not too old. She has continued this method of living in many ways since moving to Michigan. By traveling to china, turkey, Italy, Austria, talking classes from Dan Allender, taught at every journey group at one point or another, and expanded seized by hope taking on staff members, and creating Anchor as the college branch. Just to name a few. 

Life has changed a lot for both my mom, and me but I have fond that we have gotten much closer. This past summer this house and my mom wear able to invite me to more for not the first time but a different type of new. Since moving to Michigan I have started looking and watching my mom differently. I look at her not only as mom but also as a woman who lives fully, who has a family and a life. I am starting to engage with the reality that I’m not a little kid, and so I watch and take notes of the women I want to be like. My mom is probably the main woman I watch to help me think about what I want my life to hold. 

This Christmas we have many plans to sit and watch how life is being lived, and just to laugh a lot. But in the midst of that I am looking forward to sitting in our kitchen, talking, but allowing her to invite me to live in new ways, but mostly just to sit and enjoy that my mom is really not to old for anything. 

Where I'm at after finishing my last Paper of the year. :)

I have been sitting here forever trying to think about what to blog about. I have nothing. I am ready for sleep. So tonight i am letting you go to sleep with what is planing on my spotify channel right now.

Hebrews Tonight

So its December 9th, and i am needing to write something. Yesterdays post is still on my mind and is competing with my french final for tomorrow for my full attention. I think was i want to share today is about a phrase that i heard today in a Mars Hill sermon. It was a man talking about his struggle with a terrible disses and how its hard to feel hopeful something but that he always says... 

⁵ Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;

    never will I forsake you.”
    What can mere mortals do to me?

⁶ So we say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.

Hebrews 13:5-6

But he talk about how he must repeat it over and over again before it will sink in. That he does not believe these words the first time around.

What do we have to remind our selves of over and over again? Tonight its that i am where God wants me right now. That he is not depriving me of anything, but blessing me with just the right amount of time here in Chicago, and home in Kalamazoo. That he is never going to leave, nor forsake regardless of the changes that are coming, and the ways that life is changing. That i have no need to be afraid for he will help me. And that all things will work together for good.  

Remembering

There is something beautiful about memories. How they invite you to remember life, remember lost, and remember what you love. Tonight I watched White Christmas with my roommate. It was the first time of this session and truth be told I don't remember watching it last year. But as I sipped on my peppermint hot chocolate and was once again in amazement of Bing Crosby voice paired with Rosemary Clooney singing Count your blessings, and Vera Ellen pink dress as she danced across my screen with Danny Kaye I thought about past Christmases. I've had 20 of them so far. Some filled with sadness, but most with color and joy, however this is the first one that I am genuinely allowing anticipation to fill, I am going to feel everything, which mean that I will not be composed, which makes me happy. :)  This Christmas will be like any other and will be one of the last things before ending a life-changing year. So I believe this is the blog that I am going to reflect on Christmases/ Christmas sessions of years past.   

Last year I was still trying to figure out what to do in Michigan. I had just gotten back from Italy and was feeling really nervous about Moody. But it markets an ongoing tradition of having someone outside of our family being with us in Michigan. And it marked my time of being in a youth group and receiving words of affirmation that Youth Ministry is my path. 

Two years ago, I cried a lot. I finally mourned the lost of what was. I fully experienced every feeling that I have pushed down to service. But it was the last string that was broken before I finally went to god and said this broken messy life is yours and thought the ashes my dreams came true, but I had to loose many things to get everything. 

Three years ago, I had life planed out. I was going to hear back from moody in 4 weeks to hear that I had gotten into moody Chicago. I was planning a New Years Eve party to which right before midnight I would write on a black canvas that I wanted to live passionate adventures, which I was so unaware of what that meant in my life. 

Four years ago we had so many people over at our house. I felt excited for life but still unaware of so many things. But I was standing on my own two feet, hopeful about what God had next. 

Five years ago I was in the middle of my year of hell. I was angry and bitter at Katy, yet truly just felt lost and like I could not fit the shoes that had been left. I was experiencing Gods promises but like Eustace had to have his skin removed by Aslant I to had to shed my outer lavers of fear, loneliness, bitterness, and withdraw. 

Six years ago I was a freshman breathing and moving, but not living. Waiting for life to be experienced. But very unaware of who my God was and what journey he had planed for me in the coming year. 

It was the summer in between my freshman and sophomore year that lead me to the cross for a relationship. Without this Christmas I would not have felt empty and start searching for something, with out that, I would never have made it hear. They are all connected. And yes there are many other events that are linked to why I am here but my past 6 Christmases hold importance and matter in huge ways. 

There is a large range of emotions and events linked to these past 6 years of Christmases but the one thing that I don't see is Jesus. I have been wondering why it feels so new and wonderful to be anticipating this session and its because I have not experienced the joy of Christ birth in such a long time. I never understood the Christmas story, yet this year I am starting to understand why Christ chose to come, it was out of love. I think of my life and I Love it. I love my family, my friends, my homes, my passions, my life in a way that I never have before. And I know who much I am believed my Christ, how much be loved me and wanted to be with me that he came for me. I finally understand the Fathers love for me that he sacrificed so much, to love me forever, and to bless my with this life. 

So to end I want to say that I am remembering my past and how it has brought me to this moment, but I am also preparing my self for the memories that are to come this holiday season. 

The Sin of Skinny Jeans (Read with caution)

Today I feel sad. It was a really easy day and was the last Friday I had left of the year. But I fond my self in a conversation at dinner that left me feeling frustrated and so very stirred up. Going to a Christian college you meet people of all walks in life. And many of them will not agree with you. But this is different then a liberal arts college because you are disagreeing about something so fundamentally rooted in your life, your faith. If I was in high school I would have a skewed you mentally where I could not care. But when it comes to hear it’s harder to do with people who you call your brothers and sister is Christ. 

The conversations was one of the most unbelievable I have had here. It was about skinny jeans. For half an hour I hear options from all over the table about how they are not glorifying to God. Hahahaha ok being serious now... 

To some people the idea of modesty is very important and I would say that this is a topic that I want to live in. I want to dress in a manor that is a reflection of who I am a beautiful women and a women who is striving after Gods own heart. So no I am not going to sport snookies newest line of clothing. HOWEVER, I have seen the shit that comes out of legalism and sin and the cage of shame it creates around a person. It breaks my heart that life is killed thought this idea of clothing and how much it affect my school and life in general. 

Now I am aware that this topic is one that will cause you to disagree with me, great!!! Praise the lamb that you are not I, and that we are individuals. This is my options and in no way is it a reflection of Moody Bible Institute or any of their affiliates.

So moving on these where points in the conversations...

Point: It causes guys to sin, and we need to assist them. 

My thoughts: Ok it dose not matter what you are wearing at least one guy you come in counter with is going to struggle with what you are wearing. Period. Your boy friend, a guy you are close to, a random stranger on the street, it's going to happen. Also ok its not my responsibility to submit to all these guys, not to say that my heart is not to help the and as the bible says I don't want to cause a brother to fall, but why must I sacrifice my self to fit into a box that is differently marked for each guy I see on campus? I can't hold this on me and I won't. I am going to listen to my heart, I have the spirit of the most high God living breathing in me, and if I feel his conviction on my heart I will act. I will serve my God first and foremost and trust him, but my heart and my mind is clear in this measure. I am without any regret about the clothes I own and had in my closet. So for my brother who struggle I am sorry, and I am praying, and if you have a problem I would love to love you well, but man up and tell me, please. And this is probably a really bad thing to say however this is open for a conversations with me which I would love for you to teach me but, I am not dressing any differently them any of the Christians that I have met in city’s all over this country, and even in the world, so why must I change because I step foot on this campus, I would love to help you work thought this idea now because if we dull everything down and fit every problem what are you going to do when your in ministry, because I promise that marriage is not going to fix this problem. But again this topic my have many other facets to it that i am just missing and would love to better understand if i am totally missing it. 

Point: It makes girls feel insecure about them sleeves if they struggle with body image. 

My thoughts: I was one of those girls, and out of shame I cover my skin, so my mind and heart sometimes associate clothing with shame. Now let me explain. I am not wearing hucky momma outfits. I am not saying the less cloths the better but again I am going to the heart. I was a girl who was ashamed of my femininity, my body, and almost everything about my self, and thought the grace of my God I am now comfortable in my won skin and know that this is how God made me. I love who I am, and how he made me. I am not going to dress hoping that I cause a guy to stubble, however I am going to wear cloths that flatter my figure. And for those who are struggling with your body image I am sorry. I know what it feels like, and I know that tears that you cry; however I know the mentality of comparing and it is Satan coming for your joy. You are a beautifully made in God's image. Don't let Satan come for your joy, but please don't ask me for mine. 

Again this is my view, if you have something you want to say please don’t leave a comment but talk to me, and if you want to argue or to just tell me I’m wrong please don't. I want to have real conversations and I am not going to engage in something that is going to waste both of our time. Life is to short to waste time on disagreements that will leave both parties’ feeling missed and hurt. 

I guess why this effected me so much was because I asked the question "Why is this what we are talking about?" about 60 times during and after this conversation.  Why do we have these conversations that cause nothing productive to happen. I am all for educating however conversation that I go into feels like its them agents me, and if I don't convert I am a sinner. There is no grace; there is not life in these conversations just personal opinions and college student theology (which feels shallow and uneducated because we are in a bubble). And I am so guilty of this and working to fix it. But I guess after I left I thought wow people are hurting, dying, being abuse, going hungry, loosing a parent to drugs, alcohol, divorce, and so many other things and we are talking about the tightness of material around my caves? Dose this seam logical to you? 

Jesus did not come to fix my jeans, he came to save, and during advent I am suppose to be preparing my self for his coming, I feel like I may have failed to meet this today. I don't plan on doing it again. I want to live and invite others to live, and I don't feel like this happened in this conversation. 

Going Home

I have thoughts' and blogs rolling around in my head. Some that I believe will make a showing before this session is done however they feel like they deserve more words them I am capable of giving tonight. 

Today was the turn in day of my last big paper. It was the place that I had to get to before I took a day to breath and rest. I have a rather large final project for French on Monday, a very short paper that needs some fluffing, a little bit of reading due Thursday, and then a final on Wednesday the 19. Then it’s Christmas. The anticipations are swelling in my chest. 

A year ago on Tuesday I was getting back from Italy,

A year ago today I opened my acceptance packet from moody, 

This week I have many parties, conversations, and plans to make with my friends here, 

but in 12 days I will be leaving for home. 

I had to opportunity to catch up with a friend from San Antonio today and we talked about the comfort of home. How even though we are grown up there is something about going home. A part of you takes a deep breath and the idea of working/ being on guard is gone. 

I wonder what it felt to journey to Bethlehem. If their a part of Joseph and Mary that where excited because this is where they where from, not in this is a place they lived but the idea of heritage. That David was from there so this is where they went. What must it have been like? And that they knew that they where a part of the prophesy that they had been praying to have happen for their entire lives. 

Again I don't know but these are all thoughts that I am pondering tonight. To end I want to share one of my favorite songs on one of my favorite Christmas albums. It's kinda an anchor, I'm not that far from going home. That I'm not that far from experiencing with those I love most the joy and anticipations of Christ birth.  

Lord Give Me Strength

Today I am reminded of a since from the Movie Ever After. Danielle is about to try and save her dear friend who has been sold into slavery and is about to be shipped off to America because of the step mother had no money, so she was sacrificing him to pay her dept. Danielle is dressed above she status and is facing punishment of the stocks and humiliation if she is noticed, if she fails then she looses her friend. She can't not fail. But the one part that I was connately reminded of today was when her nerves are getting her and she is running but then she's her fiend and the slave keeper in her way of getting him back and she lets out the words

"Lord give me strength."

Today I know I utter this phrase serval times. I had a paper that is worth 25% of my grade due tomorrow and had 8 pages to go. 

It was said as a woman I care for took the huge step of being honest and going for something she hoped for.

It was said by Mary when looking at the man she loved knowing that he would soon know what the angle had told her. 

It was said by Joseph when he took Mary as his wife after she started showing, which was him practically telling the community that it was his fault that she was pregnant and that he was the one who would be shamed.

They said it together as they took off down the road to Bethlehem. 

Lord give me strength. WE know that we are not God based off the fact that we are weak. That we are dependent on things to survive. But that we also just need to say this phrase when the impossible is in front of us or when we ask our hearts if the risk is worth it and if hope is strong enough. 

During this session I am reminded of where I am weak and need help however where God is stronger and where this little phrase can bring so much joy and comfort when our tiredness and doubt creeps in.