I love.....

Today is my first day back at school after being on Holiday for a week. I have brand new stamps in my passport from Ireland, Venice, Reus/Barsalona, and the East Midlands. I have a Facebook album uploading as i type. And a fabulously ugly Irish sweater that makes me smile every time i see it. I am a world traveler.

This is one thing that i have wanted for so long. and i am so happy and settled, its crazy. I loved being able to have a real conversation with people because we spoke that same language, and to be able to take in the beautify of the place where i was yet i am aware of how much i missed my beautiful Italy. My home. I love Italy, the food, the couture the group of people i live with. I know that i am in my own little amereican bubble wail at school but i love it. There is no real worry that i am feeling with. Every week brings something new and wonderful.

Yet this week i am feeling the need to stay calm. I have to register for Chicago classes this week. Which means that i have to pick a major, and i have no idea what i want to do. I don't have a plan and the feels hard but i am also really ok with it. After Spokane i have described my life as being put in a blender and being purated. But this has caused me to really go back to the basics of who i am, and that is not a bad thing. The last thing that i want anyone to think is that i am complaining or in a really bad place because i am not. I am totally and completely joy filled. I am in a really good place. But here is the list that i have started of who i am and what i love......

I love......
-Growing in my faith
- Studying the Bible
-My family
-helping people
-teenagers
-food
-Art
-History
-Different culture
-Language
-People
-School
-Being different
-Tea and Coffee
- Being Spontaneous
-Looking at all the angles
-Traveling
-Hearing peoples Storys
-Fighting for people to be seen and heard
-Fellowship

These are just a few but they hold a lot more to me then just a basic idea. They hold life. I went thought an entire year of being dead and as i look back on it, i feel so much regret and fear that i lost who i was so much. But God has given me new life. I know so much more now then i did when i graduated. I am changed from the inside out. And although i do not know what is next for me i am at peace. I know that I am loved and cared for. That i am beloved.

This is not the blog that i thought it was going to be when i started however it is what came best today. I have many things that i hope to share as life continues to go but for now this is what i have to offer.

Dear Friend,

Its been a wail and I am at a lost for words to give in restarting our friendship. As you can guess I have been away for a wail. My love for you and all that you bring me got lost in the very debts of my soul but I fond you in a corner waiting along with a few of my hopes and dreams that I had barred. I did not want to turn you into a life less black hole that I used to numb my self. It felt like a lie to come in and wright things when in my life I was bull shiting my way of saying everything was ok. Dearest friend I was told that writhing is not for everyone yet I believe this person to be seriously mislead, you are a true friend and I will not give up on you. Thank you for waiting, for not excepting any mediocre blogs, but for asking me to act on a phase I once wrote "To live passionate adventures". You my friend will only except my stores with passionate adventures. And so now I have some to share. I want to catch you up on my life, and all that is happened. But tonight I am just going to rest with the sweet relief that you offer my soul and the kind welcome you gave me. I have miss you friend. Thank you for taking care of the most venerable dreams and desire of mine wail I was at war, it was a hard battle but I won and now I am excited to be whole once more.

Your beloved friend,
Allison

Stay close.

Me a year later.

Exactly one week from now i will be landing in Kalamazoo. I will be finished with my first year of college. I will be looking for a job, and preparing to go to Italy. This year i have learned a lot about my self. I am smarter than i thought i was, i am also much more insecure than i thought. I hate change but have gone with the flow when it comes up. I love the sun, and heat more than i ever thought i could. I have no favorite color, I have grown as a painter, I have lost fond and re-lost my self. I am terrible about eating red meat when i am on my own. I love coffee way to much. My body hates me if i sleep more than 8 hours but it absolutely despises me when i sleep anything less than 6. I am a southern girl. I don't hate snow but i like the heat better. Costco was given to man from God. I hate people who don't think (my anger is flaming just thinking about it). And i have missed blogging. I hope to write more in the days to come but right now i have to finish a Speech that i am presenting tomorrow.

Monet

Paint, a brush, and a blank canvas. These are parts of my soul that I can't explain. The longing to create is sering very deeply in me today. Paper after paper I wright and create but its not the same. The silk of the paint toughing the canvas for the first time is the first drops of a spring rain hitting my dry soul. The art of creating something form nothing is unlike anything i could try and describe. So instead I will try and show you.

My favorite artist i think of all time is Cluade Monet. His entire career focused on light. It is breath taking. What a wonderful understanding of how light changes everything. And i could go into a "Jesus Juke" but i really don't feel up for it tonight. So instead here are some of my favorite paintings from Monet.














There is something about his painting that brings me so much Joy. (So here is my Christian reference) I wounder if that is how God feel about us, only its his work not anyone else. I feel closer to God for some reason when i paint, i am also much more protective of my art than really anything else. I don't like to show people my deep. deep meaningful work. I don't know why this is but it was what i wanted to say today.

I know leave you with this quote from my other favorite artist and a question......

I dream of painting and then I paint my dream.
Vincent Van Gogh

If this statement is true for u all then what do you paint?

Valentine's day

So valintines day was yesertday and like the majoraty of singles out there i spent it calling in singles awareness day and ate the chocolate hearts that my grandmother sent to me. However i was not longing to be with anyone. I have fond that i am quite content being single which i like. I spent the day walking around in my epic outfit of awesomeness which was my ruffled blue dress, my gray sweater, leggings and flats. I went to class and then spent the rest of the day with my friends working on homework, talking, and dancing around. I really enjoyed it. There is a longing in me to find my husband but right now i am enjoying what my singled life will look like. After I'm married i am hoping never be single again. I only get one shot at this part of my life so why would i spend it sitting around waiting for my husband, am i not to live until he has come into my life? I certainly hope not. But as me and my friends where talking we listened to music and i discovered this music video which i hope to be a part of my life latter down the road, but i just enjoy dancing to it right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=840NbiFF1zM
(I tried posting this with my blog but it did not work so you have to follow the link)

My Waiting Companions

This post is going now where and somewhere at the same time. I have so many thing's playing out in my heart and in my head.

I think of Lib. About what her and chris are going though. Of the fear and nervously that is taking place in there lives. Of bring another child into the world only this child calls home a much different place right now. I think of the courage, strength, and love that this little boy will get to have soon enough. But i am crying for his story right now, wishing that those multiple 3 month increments would not have to happen. Wishing i could do something.

I think of Katy. With her waiting. Waiting for her letter from Grad school. But of living. By singing, studying, and helping me though my mental break downs every week. ; But just really waiting to have a knowledge of what is next for her.

I think of B. Of what God has her and D at. With not knowing what is next in there family and just lives.

I think of what will come for me. I am in the middle of waiting to hear from Moody, Saints Bible Institute, and just wondering what life will look like in a month.

We are all waiting. Waiting on God for what is next, what surprises are coming toward us. Where we are going to be living in the next couple years, what are husbands are going to be doing, for two of us when are our husbands going to show up. :) But I love knowing that i am not alone in this part of my life. We all have mom, Mrs. Tracy Johnson, and we have each other to love and support in our times of waiting and hoping. I know that there are many people who are a part of my life and that support me but these women have been a part of my life for the longest and have helped me grown in so many ways.

I guess what i am trying to say is jut thank you my lovely friends for being with me on my muddy journey. And thank you for reminding me that i am not alone in my waiting.

Have you ever had the mental dilemma of looking at the ground and seeing a very familiar, unique, red liquid on the ground and look all over the place trying to find the source and them saying to your self.... "oh shit that's my blood." I am having that feeling right now. I have been in a place where i am using a line from grey's anatomy where Bailey tells her ex- husband that she is only composed of tape and glue and all her energy is being put toured that effort. And that she has no energy to share away from just keeping her self together with the glue and the tape. Right now all that is hold me together is tape and glue and the all came undone. The over coming numbness is engulfing me right now. I am broken and i guess that is a good thing. Because there is no where to go but up. I just got deferred on my acceptance letter. I will now not find out till April if i get in to moody. And hell yes there will be getting a call from my bright and early Monday morning. But still I am in a really gross place. I know have to decide if i an even going to go back to Spokane. Why could my life just be easy on this one park. Oh because that would be to convenient. Look i really am ok. In a shit fest, yes, but am i going to do something reckless well not likely. But still this really sucks. So i am ok, this post was just to let you know what y moody letter said. And i will be calling some of you but I am not in the mode right now. Love you,
AL

I am coming back..... slowly

I hate beginning blogs after i have spent a lot of time way. This is my third time trying to wright something to start this blog. And like the fiftieth blog that i have started on break. I just never finished any of the other blogs. (I did not edit this post cause i don't have time, but i want to post it anyway)

I have slowly been reappearing in my life. I kinda left for a wail and feel like i may be here once again. But i am still working on that. As i picked up my journal today I fond that it had collected much more dirt than thoughts and words over this break. I open up to a empty page and started wighting. It felt natural and good to just start and kinda allow my mind to word vomit with out really thinking. To let go and just wright. In the few minutes that it took me to say what i wanted to say it held my more understanding and insight then i thought would. here it is......

Dear friend,

It has been a wail and i can i=understand how blank and with out your pages have been. The ink in my pen had run out and been dry. Screaming to be used. Begging to live. To be the tool that would say beautiful and wonderful things. It do what it was meant to do. I can understand this because it is a reflection of my life. Empty sheets passed by. Wighting a story yet getting lost wail conducting it. Loosing a part of me along the way. I wonder if I stopped wighting and left these pages bare because i did not want what my life was looking like, and did not want where i was to be a part of my story. If by keeping them blank i would allow my self to not have to take ownership or acceptance that this was and is my life right now. By hiding my words from my journal i would hopefully look past this last few month and the next few and forget, and live with out them. I could hid for this very idea. Because this was different for my plan, from what my life was "suppose" to look like. But here i am once again knowing that I was wrong and that this is part of my life and i am still here. My life is not over and i have decided to life in it. To stay present and to trust.

I feel like i can be me. Which is a first in a wail. This semester just held a lot more than i thought it would. I lost my priorities and got caught up on hard things that were unexpected. But i am here am i am ok. So I am trusting God, listening to David Crowders Church Music, discovering Kalamazoo, and waiting for my moody chicago letter which is coming in one week. But i am still here and i hope that you my readers stay with me still on my muddy journey. :) I love you all very much.