Two Weeks

As I sit alone I am unnervingly aware of the silence. Of my thoughts and of my heart. Its friday, I am in my kitchen after putting the girls down, and its been two weeks.

Two weeks Ago today Nick broke up with me. 

To say that I was expecting it dose not make it easier, in fact I believe that it made it harder, yet its how the cookie crumbled (did I really just write that?). For those of you who did not know I was dating, my bad...... His name is Nick. He is a junior at Columbia University in Chicago. We meet because our parents are good friends. And I fond this out after, but my parents had asked him to befriend me and help me as I moved from living in a small Michigan town to being in the city of Chicago. The idea of this boy scared the shit out of me, and I told him this. But Nick is not my enemy, nor do I want to cast him as a weak, fool who let the best thing he's ever had get away from him as Beyonce has sung it so many time's. He is boy who invited me to believe and trust, wail I hope that I invited him to more. 

Last week was the first time that I actuarially allowed my self to feel the depth of those words. To feel really anything. To finally write down my thoughts, and slowly grasp all that had changed. To laugh about the fact that I "gave" up being single for Lent, or to poke fun at a few of the cliche things that our relationship held; but mostly to cry, and finally allow my self to feel disappointed, let down, and so very sad at what I had lost. 

I want to be honest with you my friends, yet most importantly I want to respect Nick. He did what he felt was right for him, and I believe he thought it was also right for me. This boy had guts, he jumped strait into a relationship, cold turkey. He did not go thought a 6 month period of getting to know me as friends and then having a DTR (which is not a bad way to do it). But he saw something and went for it, and this idea was diffidently a part of our relationship from the begging to the end. And this is me, I have a pretty good idea of all that I require and want in a guy. Nick was unexpected but amazingly perfect for me at the time. This was also a huge God thing because pretty much everybody knew that I did not want to be in a relationship going into this semester. 

But as I sit here I have to acknowledge one very big point and that is that Nick stopped fighting, somewhere along the way he came to the conclusion that I was no longer worth fighting for. Now I know that this is not true. I am worth fighting for, and I am not allowing this break up to define who I am, and all it is that I know I'm allowed to want/require for a relationship. But this is a big point that has to be said because it holds truth and a beginning in move on to what God has next for both of us.

I did not want to break up, and I'm not going to say that Nick was "the one" because I don't know that, nor am I even remarkable close to wanting to get married right now. But I miss his, and he epic enough that I have thought about if anything could ever happen with us when life felt less crazy for the both of us. There is a part of me that really hope for this, and another that knows growth needs to happen for both of us. I need a guy who is going to fight tooth and nail for me, and Nick would need to establish trust and actions that showed this if he decided that he wanted to start anything up again. 

I don't know what is next. Its going to take time, and there is still a hope that I need to see if its going to shrink or expand, there is another person that I have to recognize as having some influence in this, and there is a sovereign God who loves both of us in a very intimate way. So I write, I listen to my break up playlist on iTunes(I have a epic one), I take long walks, I seek beauty in the art of photography, and I take deep breaths on the hardest days to remind me that I am still alive. That I have choose a life of hope, and that require me to seek for more. I have chosen to fight for a life filled with adventure, and with a muddy smile one my face I will invite you and ask once more if you are with me on this journey?