Life at June 25

There have been 7 drafts’ that have been started since my last post but as you can see they have not found my page yet. I'm not really sure what I want to share right now. I think that is the reason that none of those posts have been published yet. All the words that have been written on them are true but none fully articulate what it is that I am feeling. One of the main phrases that I have used this summer is "I don't know what I want." This sentence is not one that I have felt like has ever really made its way as deep into my heart as it has this summer. For the last 18 years I have known what was coming after every summer. However that is no longer the case. 10 weeks ago I would have said it was, 10 weeks ago I thought that I would be in England by this time, I thought that I would be pursuing my Masters in Biblical and Theological Study from Moody, I thought that I would be living another year in Chicago loving it more and more each day, and continuing to be a student. 

And then life flipped on me. So as I finished out my senior year and looked toward what was next I was hit with the fact that I did not know what I wanted. I know who I am, and I know that I want to work with college students. 

I started looking at jobs within that field. So I researched Resident Director, Resident Supervisor, and Student Affairs Director, really anything that would get me on a college campus. But I also know that I am good at planning events and started looking at positions that would allow me to be able to do something that I enjoy doing while being in a place that would allow me to work with students. So then I looked at event planning jobs in places like Grand Rapids, Ann Arbor, and Chicago. These are all places that have churches that I know are thriving that have a student ministry that I could plug in with. 

As I read over the last three paragraphs I see facts and information but I don't see my heart, I don't see what is real. So here It is....

I got a call today from my first choice job. It’s a RD position at a thriving school. The call was a basic interview, and was over after about 15 minutes. Less then 3 hours latter I got another call from them asking me for a second interview. I was super excited, and this job is in Arizona. I really want it and if I am being honest its not Chicago which is a good thing and a hard thing. I never would have believed that I could fall in love with a city, especially not that city but I love it. And I was introduced to a church that I loved in it. So I want to move, I’m ready to be somewhere else, I want my adventure and I will miss Chicago if I move.  

I'm going to miss Moody. As dysfunctional as it can be, I love that school. I loved my job, I loved my team, I loved my floor, and just my life as a whole. I had a great two and a half years, I had adventures, I had my special spots, I had my entire life there and so leaving has felt hard. But it feels especially hard knowing that all my friends are going back and knowing that a few of them have told me that they want me to get a job in Chicago. 

So I know that this is not a huge update but this is where I am at on June 25, 2014. I have no idea what is next and I hate that. And I wish that I could fully love one place over another so I could stop feeling so torn. My heart still bleeds for Chicago and part of it just wants to be with the people that I care about in a city that is home, but my head knows that I want to work with students and the place in Arizona is the perfect job for me and it’s what I want to be doing. So it all feels messy, but then again I know that means that I am feeling everything thing that I should be feeling and that it means that Gods going to bless me where ever I go.

So this is not my finest post and I am ok with that. It reflects my ambivalence and sacredness right now in the midst of my crazy life. If you are reading this I just want to say that I am glad that you are still with me, I am grateful.