Words for 2013....

So it is my first post of 2013. This is sad. I can not relapse all that has happened in the last 8 months but here is a few points that I'm feeling tonight.

- Change suck, and its really great.

- I like in a black and white mentality a lot, and i really need to stop that.

- I hate liking guys who live far away from me.

- I am a freaking senior.... i am not old enough for this.

- I still suck at spelling/grammar

-God is good, all the time.

- Redcloud is kinda ending for me, and i am totally and completely heart broken about it.

- Relient K is still the best band out there.

- I was created to work with college students

-I am a stubborn, stupid, terrible person and lot of the time, and yet God still choose to use me...

And last- I am ready to live some more passionate, glorious, adventure, and I hope that you are still with me.

Why I've been Away

So I have not written in couple days and for that I am sorry, however its been because I have been making memories. I do not have a bucket list but i do have things that I want to do. So here are a few......

Getting revenge against Tim for steeling my phone. I waited and then several weeks latter I stole his keys so he was stranded around campus for about an hour. 

Getting what I wanted at a White elephant gift exchange. This is Eric, You may have heard about him from all of my roommates post on Facebook about him. 

This holds two, Sitting on Santa's lap. And breaking the SLG (kinda) and getting a picture of said rule breaking. 

Getting a picture with a friend wail being covered in Christmas lights. 

This is just a great picture that I wanted to post. This would be Bailey. 

Getting a picture with Adam Swing.... And his picture face. 

Being an adult and taking a picture in one of these. 

Planking on the "L". I have a pretty strong neck. :) 

AND then the last is brought to you by Ellen. Its called the dance dare. I plan to get a better one but this is the best I have so far. 

Just a thought

Tonight I watched the King's Speech. Its one of my favorite movies that always leaves me interred by different quotes. The one that caught me tonight was when Bertty and Lineal were apologizing to one another and Lineal spoke the truth that Bertty no longer had to be afraid of his life. Of his father and brother mocking and making him fear them. Of his nanny who abused him and of the places that were wrong with him that needed correcting. 

I know this is an odd thing to ask but I wonder what Christ feared? As a child if he had a nightmare and he would wake up and know that he was all right and that his heavenly father was watching over him, but the fear would not fade straight away. What did he fear in him life. Fear is not a sin; it’s the moment that we stop trusting God and start putting our dependence in something else. When we make an idol that we can be calmed and comforted in. I believe that Jesus was afraid thought out his life. 

When I think of moments of fear, I start thinking about where Jesus was with me. Is it strange that in my memory and recollection of that moment I see Jesus in the room with me sometimes? Not like I actually saw him, but that I know he is in the corner right next to me. Its odd but tonight I thought about where I have been comforted in the midst of my fear, and where my comforter has been able to allow me to feel peace. In the bible it says that we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with us. I don't know if its the power of the divine God just allowing me to feel peace, but there is a part of me that feels somewhat connected and understood in the idea that fear is not something that Christ can not compare to. 

Just something that made me think tonight. 

My Mom is Not to Old for Anything Especially Sparkly Shorts

So tonight my friend and me were sitting in my room talking, and the topic turned to our moms. As I talked about what I was thinking about for stocking stuffers this year for my family, I have a somewhat epic idea for my mom. As I was talking about it one of my friends turned to me and said your mom would wear that? To which I responded with "Oh Yah." She then said yah I think my mom could wear something like that however she thinks she's too old. I then talked about how my mom has an epic pair of sparkly silver sequin shorts (Watch the video to see them )from urban outfits. She flipped and I fond a picture of her wearing them at a Christmas party last year. "Your mom looks really good!" "Oh, I know."

Thought this conversation I fond one comment that was left in my mind....

"My mom is not to old for anything."

When I think of my mom I have fond my self-linking her with many memories of Michigan. Know grated this is the most recent times, however there is something more. Michigan held life for my mom many years ago. It’s a life that allowed her to live. Its where she was invited to more, not for the first time, but for a new and life changing time. I remember growing up meant you had to be composed, this was a message that has made its way thought my family, and my mom branched out for me. I remember countless conversation and opportunities where this was not asked of me from my mom. I did not have to be like even one else and I did not have to take off my winter hat just because it was 98 degrees outside. I did not have to be composed but mom did. I do remember getting a little older and looking at mom and seeing two sides. There was her home life where she smiled and was warm and ungraded and then there was Mrs. Tracy who was at church. Mom was more composed and contained. 

This was pretty consistent till one day that I will never forget, it was after mom had returned from Michigan and she said that we were going somewhere but that it was a surprise. I was shocked when she led me into Claire’s at the mall. She said that we together were going to get our cartilage pierce now I had been asking for months for this and the answer was a no. But after this trip mom changed her mind and not only allowed me to get it (not that day because of complications but a story for another time) she also got her pierced. After this things changed, mom changed she was not two people any more, she was free to be herself.  

After we moved to Michigan things were even more different. It was hard for all of us, but there was something magical in how mom moved in this space. With a heaviness yet a settled heart. I remember walking thought our kitchen still feeling hesitant and mom just meeting my eyes. Smiling talking about our home and the plans. Where she taught my room would be and where we would put everything. There was life resonating in the walls. When I was able to put thought together I proceed that this was the house and in that kitchen that mom was invited to life in a new way, and where she was first invited to be as free as I was because of her. Where she would leave the spectators seats and join me on the field. She made this leap by getting her ear pierced with me. 

This house is where my mom decided she was not too old. She has continued this method of living in many ways since moving to Michigan. By traveling to china, turkey, Italy, Austria, talking classes from Dan Allender, taught at every journey group at one point or another, and expanded seized by hope taking on staff members, and creating Anchor as the college branch. Just to name a few. 

Life has changed a lot for both my mom, and me but I have fond that we have gotten much closer. This past summer this house and my mom wear able to invite me to more for not the first time but a different type of new. Since moving to Michigan I have started looking and watching my mom differently. I look at her not only as mom but also as a woman who lives fully, who has a family and a life. I am starting to engage with the reality that I’m not a little kid, and so I watch and take notes of the women I want to be like. My mom is probably the main woman I watch to help me think about what I want my life to hold. 

This Christmas we have many plans to sit and watch how life is being lived, and just to laugh a lot. But in the midst of that I am looking forward to sitting in our kitchen, talking, but allowing her to invite me to live in new ways, but mostly just to sit and enjoy that my mom is really not to old for anything. 

Where I'm at after finishing my last Paper of the year. :)

I have been sitting here forever trying to think about what to blog about. I have nothing. I am ready for sleep. So tonight i am letting you go to sleep with what is planing on my spotify channel right now.

Hebrews Tonight

So its December 9th, and i am needing to write something. Yesterdays post is still on my mind and is competing with my french final for tomorrow for my full attention. I think was i want to share today is about a phrase that i heard today in a Mars Hill sermon. It was a man talking about his struggle with a terrible disses and how its hard to feel hopeful something but that he always says... 

⁵ Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;

    never will I forsake you.”
    What can mere mortals do to me?

⁶ So we say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.

Hebrews 13:5-6

But he talk about how he must repeat it over and over again before it will sink in. That he does not believe these words the first time around.

What do we have to remind our selves of over and over again? Tonight its that i am where God wants me right now. That he is not depriving me of anything, but blessing me with just the right amount of time here in Chicago, and home in Kalamazoo. That he is never going to leave, nor forsake regardless of the changes that are coming, and the ways that life is changing. That i have no need to be afraid for he will help me. And that all things will work together for good.  

Remembering

There is something beautiful about memories. How they invite you to remember life, remember lost, and remember what you love. Tonight I watched White Christmas with my roommate. It was the first time of this session and truth be told I don't remember watching it last year. But as I sipped on my peppermint hot chocolate and was once again in amazement of Bing Crosby voice paired with Rosemary Clooney singing Count your blessings, and Vera Ellen pink dress as she danced across my screen with Danny Kaye I thought about past Christmases. I've had 20 of them so far. Some filled with sadness, but most with color and joy, however this is the first one that I am genuinely allowing anticipation to fill, I am going to feel everything, which mean that I will not be composed, which makes me happy. :)  This Christmas will be like any other and will be one of the last things before ending a life-changing year. So I believe this is the blog that I am going to reflect on Christmases/ Christmas sessions of years past.   

Last year I was still trying to figure out what to do in Michigan. I had just gotten back from Italy and was feeling really nervous about Moody. But it markets an ongoing tradition of having someone outside of our family being with us in Michigan. And it marked my time of being in a youth group and receiving words of affirmation that Youth Ministry is my path. 

Two years ago, I cried a lot. I finally mourned the lost of what was. I fully experienced every feeling that I have pushed down to service. But it was the last string that was broken before I finally went to god and said this broken messy life is yours and thought the ashes my dreams came true, but I had to loose many things to get everything. 

Three years ago, I had life planed out. I was going to hear back from moody in 4 weeks to hear that I had gotten into moody Chicago. I was planning a New Years Eve party to which right before midnight I would write on a black canvas that I wanted to live passionate adventures, which I was so unaware of what that meant in my life. 

Four years ago we had so many people over at our house. I felt excited for life but still unaware of so many things. But I was standing on my own two feet, hopeful about what God had next. 

Five years ago I was in the middle of my year of hell. I was angry and bitter at Katy, yet truly just felt lost and like I could not fit the shoes that had been left. I was experiencing Gods promises but like Eustace had to have his skin removed by Aslant I to had to shed my outer lavers of fear, loneliness, bitterness, and withdraw. 

Six years ago I was a freshman breathing and moving, but not living. Waiting for life to be experienced. But very unaware of who my God was and what journey he had planed for me in the coming year. 

It was the summer in between my freshman and sophomore year that lead me to the cross for a relationship. Without this Christmas I would not have felt empty and start searching for something, with out that, I would never have made it hear. They are all connected. And yes there are many other events that are linked to why I am here but my past 6 Christmases hold importance and matter in huge ways. 

There is a large range of emotions and events linked to these past 6 years of Christmases but the one thing that I don't see is Jesus. I have been wondering why it feels so new and wonderful to be anticipating this session and its because I have not experienced the joy of Christ birth in such a long time. I never understood the Christmas story, yet this year I am starting to understand why Christ chose to come, it was out of love. I think of my life and I Love it. I love my family, my friends, my homes, my passions, my life in a way that I never have before. And I know who much I am believed my Christ, how much be loved me and wanted to be with me that he came for me. I finally understand the Fathers love for me that he sacrificed so much, to love me forever, and to bless my with this life. 

So to end I want to say that I am remembering my past and how it has brought me to this moment, but I am also preparing my self for the memories that are to come this holiday season.