Remembering

There is something beautiful about memories. How they invite you to remember life, remember lost, and remember what you love. Tonight I watched White Christmas with my roommate. It was the first time of this session and truth be told I don't remember watching it last year. But as I sipped on my peppermint hot chocolate and was once again in amazement of Bing Crosby voice paired with Rosemary Clooney singing Count your blessings, and Vera Ellen pink dress as she danced across my screen with Danny Kaye I thought about past Christmases. I've had 20 of them so far. Some filled with sadness, but most with color and joy, however this is the first one that I am genuinely allowing anticipation to fill, I am going to feel everything, which mean that I will not be composed, which makes me happy. :)  This Christmas will be like any other and will be one of the last things before ending a life-changing year. So I believe this is the blog that I am going to reflect on Christmases/ Christmas sessions of years past.   

Last year I was still trying to figure out what to do in Michigan. I had just gotten back from Italy and was feeling really nervous about Moody. But it markets an ongoing tradition of having someone outside of our family being with us in Michigan. And it marked my time of being in a youth group and receiving words of affirmation that Youth Ministry is my path. 

Two years ago, I cried a lot. I finally mourned the lost of what was. I fully experienced every feeling that I have pushed down to service. But it was the last string that was broken before I finally went to god and said this broken messy life is yours and thought the ashes my dreams came true, but I had to loose many things to get everything. 

Three years ago, I had life planed out. I was going to hear back from moody in 4 weeks to hear that I had gotten into moody Chicago. I was planning a New Years Eve party to which right before midnight I would write on a black canvas that I wanted to live passionate adventures, which I was so unaware of what that meant in my life. 

Four years ago we had so many people over at our house. I felt excited for life but still unaware of so many things. But I was standing on my own two feet, hopeful about what God had next. 

Five years ago I was in the middle of my year of hell. I was angry and bitter at Katy, yet truly just felt lost and like I could not fit the shoes that had been left. I was experiencing Gods promises but like Eustace had to have his skin removed by Aslant I to had to shed my outer lavers of fear, loneliness, bitterness, and withdraw. 

Six years ago I was a freshman breathing and moving, but not living. Waiting for life to be experienced. But very unaware of who my God was and what journey he had planed for me in the coming year. 

It was the summer in between my freshman and sophomore year that lead me to the cross for a relationship. Without this Christmas I would not have felt empty and start searching for something, with out that, I would never have made it hear. They are all connected. And yes there are many other events that are linked to why I am here but my past 6 Christmases hold importance and matter in huge ways. 

There is a large range of emotions and events linked to these past 6 years of Christmases but the one thing that I don't see is Jesus. I have been wondering why it feels so new and wonderful to be anticipating this session and its because I have not experienced the joy of Christ birth in such a long time. I never understood the Christmas story, yet this year I am starting to understand why Christ chose to come, it was out of love. I think of my life and I Love it. I love my family, my friends, my homes, my passions, my life in a way that I never have before. And I know who much I am believed my Christ, how much be loved me and wanted to be with me that he came for me. I finally understand the Fathers love for me that he sacrificed so much, to love me forever, and to bless my with this life. 

So to end I want to say that I am remembering my past and how it has brought me to this moment, but I am also preparing my self for the memories that are to come this holiday season.