New Space

Two years ago I wrote about the women I wanted to be with the men in my life. I wrote about wanted to step into the messiness of being in relationships and where I was going to choose hope.  

This last week I was invited into a new space. This space is a response to the decision that I made two years ago to hope and it’s hard. A man in my life made a mistake and my love for this person is still ever present, but this is also a man that I had started to hope in and that hope is now gone. So I am left knowing that I need to walk away from a certain aspect for this relationship. This fact is good and healthy in light of what was hoped for but that does not mean that I am not left feeling disappointed. In light of this encounter I went back thought quotes that impact me and came across this one…

This quote was one that I found a while ago yet if feels more alive and real to me these days.

This quote along with the song from my post two years ago shakes me deep down to my core with both hesitation and hope.

I don’t believe I am ordinary if I am quite frank. There is a part of me that knows I see my reality differently than most people would. And I am no more unique than the next girl but different all the same…

So as I read this quote I am left unsure. There is a longing to believe that this man steps into the chaos and messiness of such a love however there is not end story just his raw and wonderstruck reality. 

And what feels more daunting is the life that says,

“I was afraid to fail, like the others.”

I have been failed in my life by some of the men who have walked into it. Men who I took chances to invite in. Men who I poured truth into, I fought for, and who I chose to hope in. And I wonder if and when the man who I hope for most will say these words and if he will take him self out of the game like so many have before him. I hope he wont and I also have the experience of watching my sister hold that the man she was going to marry walked away.

But just as I wonder about him I wonder about failing him. What about not hoping enough because I know I hold back in some ways. I fear that I will be too much or not enough. I wonder, but in the midst of walking into new relationship and new possibility of being hurt or loved, or seen, or left I have the chance to hope. To continue to know that probably all of my fears and wonderings will come to pass but I hear Aslan voice saying “Courage, Dear One.” And somewhere in my heart I know that I will be enough. That I will give all and that deep down I believe someone else will as well.

So tonight I sit in the tension of feeling disappointed and hurt but that hope is still alive within me, and that it’s worth fighting for.