His Wild

Red Tent Livings theme for this month is called "Be Brave". I find is so sweet of God to make that the theme for this month. The words that I type here are words that I am not ready to share with the entire Red Tent community but they are words that need to be named. They are words that tell the story of where I need or want to choose to be brave. 

This summer has reached its last month of fruition. Its July and with that means that my heart is preparing for the last little bit of life that this summer will hold before the school year starts. What is interesting is that this summer has been anything but ordinary, which intern has made it extraordinary.  Hope and disappointment have both existed but in very different ways than I had prepared myself for. 

Earlier this summer while I was in Michigan on vacation I went to stay with Katy for a couple of days. During this time our hearts connected in a way that was so life giving after a hard year. We got sushi, watched movies, had many drinks, went to a tattoo shop, went shopping, and just lived life beside one another. It was a sweet time where the two of us were fully present in the ambivalence of our lives but the goodness that we bring out the best in each other. 

One night while Katy was at worship practice I went to kill sometime at Anthorpoligie. While I was there I found a perfume that caught my eye. 

I was so struck by this title; She Found Quiet in His Wild. Naturally while I pondered this name I found a perfume card and spayed the scent on it. There was something really lovely about the smell as I breathed it in. It was not overly flowery or sugary; for me it felt warm and like some golden liquor that just felt settling (I can't fully describe it but I did love it) and the name felt very appropriate. 

I feel a little bit of heat go to my cheeks and my breath catch in my chest as I think about this perfume. I love that it makes me think of my dad and how I have grown up watching my Dad's wild pull my mom into a fuller, richer part of their lives. I love that it makes me think of the men who I have seen let their wild be a part of their lives and where their wives are invited to be alive to the goodness that this wild brings. And I take note of these men because they are not as common as one might think. Wild means holding the tension of staying present in one’s reality but pursuing their dreams at the same time. It requires courage and strength, and a real risk of failure. But what it beings is glorious and I hope its part of my story. So the idea of “She” finding quiets in the midst of his wild feels both unsetting and wonderful. 

The deepest questions that my heart asked were-Who is she and how do I become her? In the last few years I have become more aware of what I want in life but in my man. I want wild, I want an unsetting that he is his own person but  who will settle and strengthen me. I was to find an anchor of hope that I can quite the voices in my head and just be alive. Quiet is not a very common descriptive word for me but I know that there are moment that I want to experience the quiet and that I can invite me to be my best self. Quiet makes me take a moment and choose who I truly want to be. And it lets my heart rest and just be present as all of who I am and sometimes that’s staying still and sometimes that is laughing loudly, and dancing often. 

I want a wild that takes me on adventures for the rest of my life. I want to see the world and change it one little bit at a time, and that may mean just in the conversations and people we get to know around the world. I want to feel safe and like I can fall apart and sit in the quiet of that brokenness but that wild fiercely loves me regardless and protects me in those moments. I want a wild that I can’t control and figure out but that invites me to a deeper understanding of who God is and who I can be. Wild is risky, its disruptive, and it will unsettle but it is life. 

I want to get to be quiet, it’s felt like a long time since I felt like I could be quiet and see what was waiting for me in those moments. I should also say that when I think about quiet in this context its not thought of as being little or mousy, quiet in my mind is a security and steadiness. It’s a space that allows my lungs to fully inhale; to fully be me in the space that I am fully welcomed, loved, and safe. 

So where does this fall in the midst of being brave? 

To choose to be the women who finds quiet in the wild I have to walk toward the wild. 

Where I choose not to run, and to not stand still but to walk towards a man who is all of himself. In the last couple years I have learned that I have walked towards some rather boring men. They are safe and I know exactly what I would get if I was with them. I would be a pastor’s wife in a very small part of Michigan, or California. I would probably travel very little, and would just learn how to live while there but I know that I would loose parts of my heart. I would miss out on aspects of my life that I don’t want to loose. And I am grateful that is not what God let my life look like. 

I have found that I don’t want safe, I want wild. 

So I want to be a woman who walks towards the wild when I see it. Who dose not waver and but who embraces the risk of being hurt to embrace the goodness of a man who is not going to take the safe road but who will be all of the wild that he is. 

I hope I will be able to bless the wild, and I hope that I will choose to be brave in the moments that I see the wild. I do not know when all of these moments will take place but I know that I am in,