So yes i am still alive and breathing. I have just been in a place of, i can't wright because i am living, and not that i am not living right now i am just in a place where life needs to be lived though words.

This summer changed my life. I fond new things. Friendships where made, loss was experienced, tears where let out, blood was shed, faith was fond, and life was lived.

I am different in how i view life, in how i felt like me and where i let myself slid. I miss everyone and everything form this summer and wish sometimes for more time. But that was not my path. And i will stay on my path. Even if it is narrow. I know that none of this is making since but its eclectic and weird and i enjoy it. :) It feels like i have no words just pictures come to mind so here are some to go along with this post.

Just words on a page that talk about living.

I have a completely filled heart. This week i fond my self feeling like i am living. I am disappointed to say that i check out last week and it sucks, I missed so many amazing things that i could have been a part of and so at the beginning of the week i talked to my roommate, and i said that i am going to be a part of this week. I was going to live.

To live here is the most amazing thing of all time.

I lived by
-Working on a high ropes in the dark from 7 to 11, because we where going to have a youth group face changes together.

-Hiking Handie's at 6 to peak and watch the sun set and then hike down it in pitch dark.

-To plan both a water fight, and a Christmas focused scavenger hunt.

-To just stay here to focus on helping before on my self.


Life is full. And i am loving it. Its hard and there has been plenty of hard things that have been resting on my heart, but i have to feel to live, no matter what the feeling are. I am just trusting God with what life will bring and what it looks like to have change, but he is going to take care of me so i can do is sit in that. I wish that i was not half way thought the summer it has gone and is going way to fast.

Me but maybe not me

hello readers,

Well i am just about at the half point of my summer. I have seen God in so many new and exciting ways. I have probably over 50 new brothers and sister in christ. And none of that had anything to do with me. I have been pushed, shrunk, streched, scracked, and stuffed into a tea pot. I am not who i was when i left San Antonio 4 weeks ago.

BUt with my life now in a place of change i do believe that i am still trying to figure out who i am. Being a camp counselor has caused me to question who i am, i know my dreams and they have not changed, but i find my self not requiring my self to be as serious, or mature up here. I chased two of my friends all over campus because we were having an epic marshmallow battle. I say and act differently then i have in what feels like a long time. And there are parts of me that really enjoy that but it feels disruptive to my past in these place where this is not who I am. It feels as if the wall of my life have turned to jell-o and they no longer hold the same things. There atoms have been disrupted. I don't know if it is the feeling of freedom or just because that high energy is what the kids have given me. BUt questions and feeling have been awaken in me.

Yet in the midst of this abrupt feelings, i have peace. A peace that no one can give you. It is only from God. It is the whisper of " You are mine, you are in my hands, and you just need to rest in what i am doing." i know who i am. But i think that this is me fighting for who i am going to be. Redcloud has been a place of safety but i have always had a label on me, that label is no longer on me, and neither is the label of high school student. I am my own person. I am reminded of the quote from Alice in Wonderland where alice says," From the moment i fell down that rabbit hole i’ve been told what i must do and who i must be.........I've been accuesed of being alice and of not being alice but this is my dream .ill decided where it gose from here." Yet she was Alice and her path was always before her. She took the path that was laid without out knowing where it would lead her yet it took her to the answers that she needed to hear. Which was who she was. My nickname up here is Wonderland. And my path is leading me to a place that i can not understand and grasp but i have a very strange feeling that by the end of this journey i will find a very similar answer to Alice's. I think that God is showing me who i need to be and what i want to be. And how to achieve getting my muchness.

THe Hatter- "Your not the same as you where before
You where much more muchyer
You have lost your muchness . "

Alice- "My muchness?"

The Hatter- "In there somethings missing."

Ridiculous Prayers

I have a ridiculous prayer. I have lived as a person who believed that prayer is a thing that is for us to feel like we can talk to God. But it where we allow of dreams and hope to begin to breath to have a life and to be given to God. Now we have to keep in mind that God has a will and he will have his will happen no matter what. But he tells us to come to him. We get to share our hearts with the God of the universe and he not only holds these dreams and loves them, he dose what is one of the hardest things, he dose not give them to us till we need them and we can handle them.

On of the message that i still remember from harvest is jeff talking about the Israelites and how God took care of them when they just entered into the promise land. It says that God did not give all of the promise land to his children, he said trust me and i will give you what you need, and they did not need nor could they handle all the promise land at once.

But back to ridiculous prayers, right now i am reading a book called "In a pit, with a lion, on a snowy day." And is one of the best books ever, there are a few things that i don't totally agree with but its epic, but i was reading and i can across apart that talked about praying ridiculous prayers and in this case it was a man had lost his axe head in a river wail he was working and he told Elisha, who it said thought a stick in a it floated, but he probably was like well lets just see...." God if this is your will them please let this stick that i thought in bring back to axe head." And you are probably like yah so the axe head came back. Ok hold up lets think about this. A-THis is the Jordan river a is not some wimpy river,B-the density of iron is 7.2 grams per cubic centimeter, and C- iron dose not come to the top and just wait for you to come pick it up. THis was a ridiculous prayer.

But i have one and yes it may be stupid and it may totally not be Gods will and i am ok if it dose not happen. BUt i love it. Why cant i ask my God for something i want. Why should i not. He tells us prayer is how we talk to him and how my prayer may not be as big as anyone else's but why should i hold my tongue for that reason. SO my ending question is what is something that is totally ridiculous that you are going to start praying for. :)

The lost fair-well post

I as sitting in a room with posters no longer on the walls, carpet that no longer has a bleach stain on the far wall where i try to fix the mistact of my dog eating my pen top so all the ink leaked out of it, or the explosion of red ink where i seemed like a good idea to vacuuming uo the grading pen that i felt way to lazy to pick up from the floor, the noise of my door closing echos in my room and in my heart. My feet are on there way to a full recovery from my heels last night and my belongings are slowly finding there home in bananas box's placed at random in my room.

I am now a graduate of the Winston Churchill class of 2010.

I am leaving in less then 24 hours to go to my job in Colorado and will be saying good bye temporally to my friends, family, and San Antonio. But some place in my life i had to say goodbye to forever. Winston Churchill High school, My teachers, and my fellow class mates, and my house that has been home for 10 years.

I am venturing to the see of greatness though. I am going to the job i have waited 7 years for, the school that i have shed my tears over for the fact of uncertainty, and the car that is the most ghetto veical on the plant. The VW bug that i am taking with me to college.

At the begging of this year i hosted a New Years eve party and we had everyone wright down what they wanted this year to host for them. Mine was that i wanted to live Passionate Adventures. As i am packing up what feels like my life i am thinking about the adventures that i have had wail here in SA and the adventures to come in CO, and WA. I think about the people who have walked with me on my adventures and what they have meant to me.

I don't know what to expect or even think about with what is to come but i am ready to venture into the unknown. To take the steps, and i will be homesick in the beginning but i know that in time that will pass but the memories will not and the hope that the people will continue to walk with me. :)

I love ya'll, and i can't wait to share stories and memories with you for many years to come.

The Lady and the Genteman

I am constantly reminded of my family's strength. But the two that i want to talk about are my closest siblings. And I know that my parents are two of the strongest people on the freaking plant, and in no way do i want to take anything away from that, and i have about 5 other things that i want to post about but this is oin my heart right now and i need it to come first.

I am reminded of Katy's strength everyday. The strength to hold my secrets and hurt along with her's. The strength to be vulnerable. The strength to included me no matter what. The strength to see me when no one else can. The strength to keep asking questions, the strength to keep sharing answers. The strength to stop me. The strength to say i am sorry even thought she is saying it to some who needs to say it as well but knowing they may not. The strength to keep forgiving. The strength to take the knife from me even knowing that i will fight to keep it with the knowledge that she will get hurt in the struggle, and that it will happen again next week. Katy is a Women of God. Katy is a Lady. (Styx- LADY WHEN YOUR WITH ME I'M SMILING!!)

I am reminded of Steven's strength daily. The strength to show me kindness as i am preparing on leaving home to some degree forever. The strength to hear my hard words and except them with grace and humbleness, even if they where not said in that manner. The strength to say i am sorry to someone he could pulverize in 5 seconds flat. The strength to loose wail watching the person who won with complete peacefulness and joy for that person. Having the strength and courage to be a man of vulnerability. Having the strength to stand up for a group of girls who where being degraded by one of his friends and he said NO!!! Having the strength to be in a bad place yet all that he did was right with out insulting or offending anyone. Me and Katy get to see Steven strength everyday and i will never forget what Katy said one night and i could not even say anything because there was no way to add on to it, it was prefect.......She said "Steven i would not want anyone else protecting me other than you." Steven is the brother to four sister, some older some younger. But he has the ability to look into each one and see something that no one else can see, and define that for us. Steven is a Man of Strength. He is a Gentleman.

Anticipating

I am still waiting, its just for different things. I am fine with waiting..... Kinda. :) But i don't know if i came really call them waiting when they are a happy things, funny things, and just things that make me smile so i am not really going to say waiting because that's to sad sounding; lets say....anticipate. :)

Right at this second.....
I am I a place of waiting for my stupid grade on parent portal because it has not changed since last month.

Today.......
I am waiting for my head to feel like its not going to fall off my body because i rock out pretty hard with time, Steven, Mercy Me, family force 5, and David Crowder last night. (Now that is what worship sound like)

This week......
I am waiting for God to provide the answers as to how the heck i am going to be able to afford going to MBI with no way of loans. I knew this but it is becoming more of a question with me getting in.

In general........
Graduation. :)

Redcloud

Two C&M wedding

NO MORE ECONOMICS!!!!!! Even thought i have enjoy our little chats and then are intense flirting it is time to part our separate ways. Its not you its me. I just need someone who is not going to consumer all of my time, by measuring our relationships

To be free of Kash and Kyle W. Although i have enjoyed your childish games, and insecure comments filled with unintelligent sarcasm. I will just have to move on wail you spend yet another summer or school year in high school. (there are really good kids i think but they have just made some really poor choices)

Senior dinner, tea, open house stuff.

Someone to BUST A MOVE!!! (I am listening to Pandora and a gLee song just came on.):) (can you just imagine someone breaking out in song or dance ANYWHERE?! that would be epic!!)

To have required art projects.

To have Katy home.

To have a huge event happen to put with my reminder of this year from new year's eve. Even thought i have had a few so far.(And no this is not suppose to make sence)

Probably a long time from now.......
To have my little romance(B & K)