Have you ever had the mental dilemma of looking at the ground and seeing a very familiar, unique, red liquid on the ground and look all over the place trying to find the source and them saying to your self.... "oh shit that's my blood." I am having that feeling right now. I have been in a place where i am using a line from grey's anatomy where Bailey tells her ex- husband that she is only composed of tape and glue and all her energy is being put toured that effort. And that she has no energy to share away from just keeping her self together with the glue and the tape. Right now all that is hold me together is tape and glue and the all came undone. The over coming numbness is engulfing me right now. I am broken and i guess that is a good thing. Because there is no where to go but up. I just got deferred on my acceptance letter. I will now not find out till April if i get in to moody. And hell yes there will be getting a call from my bright and early Monday morning. But still I am in a really gross place. I know have to decide if i an even going to go back to Spokane. Why could my life just be easy on this one park. Oh because that would be to convenient. Look i really am ok. In a shit fest, yes, but am i going to do something reckless well not likely. But still this really sucks. So i am ok, this post was just to let you know what y moody letter said. And i will be calling some of you but I am not in the mode right now. Love you,
AL

I am coming back..... slowly

I hate beginning blogs after i have spent a lot of time way. This is my third time trying to wright something to start this blog. And like the fiftieth blog that i have started on break. I just never finished any of the other blogs. (I did not edit this post cause i don't have time, but i want to post it anyway)

I have slowly been reappearing in my life. I kinda left for a wail and feel like i may be here once again. But i am still working on that. As i picked up my journal today I fond that it had collected much more dirt than thoughts and words over this break. I open up to a empty page and started wighting. It felt natural and good to just start and kinda allow my mind to word vomit with out really thinking. To let go and just wright. In the few minutes that it took me to say what i wanted to say it held my more understanding and insight then i thought would. here it is......

Dear friend,

It has been a wail and i can i=understand how blank and with out your pages have been. The ink in my pen had run out and been dry. Screaming to be used. Begging to live. To be the tool that would say beautiful and wonderful things. It do what it was meant to do. I can understand this because it is a reflection of my life. Empty sheets passed by. Wighting a story yet getting lost wail conducting it. Loosing a part of me along the way. I wonder if I stopped wighting and left these pages bare because i did not want what my life was looking like, and did not want where i was to be a part of my story. If by keeping them blank i would allow my self to not have to take ownership or acceptance that this was and is my life right now. By hiding my words from my journal i would hopefully look past this last few month and the next few and forget, and live with out them. I could hid for this very idea. Because this was different for my plan, from what my life was "suppose" to look like. But here i am once again knowing that I was wrong and that this is part of my life and i am still here. My life is not over and i have decided to life in it. To stay present and to trust.

I feel like i can be me. Which is a first in a wail. This semester just held a lot more than i thought it would. I lost my priorities and got caught up on hard things that were unexpected. But i am here am i am ok. So I am trusting God, listening to David Crowders Church Music, discovering Kalamazoo, and waiting for my moody chicago letter which is coming in one week. But i am still here and i hope that you my readers stay with me still on my muddy journey. :) I love you all very much.

A Week

I am going into what feels like its going to be the hardest week and a half of school. And I have recently brought the best song ever that feels like it totally speaks to me durning this week. I totally love it. But I have recognized sense being at moody that I am really quite around most of my friends because I don't know them very well, but my best friend up here is my roommate Hannah and she knows all to well who I really am, so we have been laughing at the fact that if any one else heard this song they would freak out. I have learned that oh yes I am much more edgie than most of the students here. And truth be told it makes me happy. I am doing really well since my last post. God has been amazing and i am am just resting in each day. But i am ready for break. My plan is to ready ever harry potter book, re-read my shannon hale books, finish alice in wonderland, and four loves by the end of break. Plus discover the best cafe, and bistro's in Kalamazoo, and them get a good look at moody chicago. But i am ready to see all your bright and shinny faces. I am counting on dance party's with Bethany, Darin and Wyatt boy, going on a coffee walk with Tim, garbing coffee with Tom filled with lots of random questions and probably ending with me crying again : ), starting my bible study with Janie, visiting each of my everyone who was one of my references for chicago, and hanging out with everyone in the great state of Texas. 15th come soon.
For a amazing verse-

Psalm 42:5
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

What God has already done in 5 hours

I feel as if i leave my last post completely by its self that i will cause much alarm in you my readers. I am truly ok, just trying to live life and finding it hard to live.

I talked to one of my best friends from camp today and fond that i literally felt 10 times better after taking to her. We just sat in where life is hard for us right now, but she reminded me just how many people i have who love and support me and that i am not in this alone.

I then Skype katy, and was given a good list of ways to live, all siting at the root of trust. Trusting God that he is taking care or me.

So my dear friends. I am still struggling but i have a glimpse of hope and joy back in me tonight, and it is well in my soul.

I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed.
I have the holy spirit power.
The die has been cast.
I am a disciple if Jesus Christ.
I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed, my presence makes sense, and my future is secure.
I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, property, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.
I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.
I now live by the presence, learn by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.
My peace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my guide is releasable, my mission is clear.
I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up, until I have preached up, prayed up, stored up, and saved up for the cause of Christ.
I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.
I must go until he returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.
And when he comes to get his own.
He will have no problem recognizing me.
My color will be clear for "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.

I have passed this sigh on my kitchen cabinet everyday since I got to Spokane but I am not sure that I have ever read it till today.

I am in the mist of a fight and I feel as thought I am lost. Satan has come for my joy and he has taken in. I have go into survival mode. I don't know where God is and i find my self angry at him. Asking why. Underneath i an trebling out of fear. I don't know the next step. My logical side is screaming at me to settle. That at least i will have someone, i will be comfortable, and that life will be easy. Yet there is something in my chest however small whispering. "Hold out, don't settle, i love you and have great plans for you, trust me, hear me, follow me, love me, i am here, i do care, i am the same as the first day i meet you, the day's you where running, the days you where searching, the day where you fond me, the day where you believed, the day's you fought, the days you fond me in your hopelessness, the day's you where joy fill, the days of waiting, the days of anticipation, the days of loneliness, and this day. The day you question where i am, and if i care. The day where you ask why this. The day you ask how much are you going to ask me for. Oh on this day i an even closer than you can fathom. On this day along with every other day i am with you. Hold out my love, i have so much for you, believe, fight for life, but know i am God."

I believe.

Just please be near me. Father i need you to be near to me tonight.

Reflection

On my last day of being 18 i have really been thinking about what this year has held, and then i thought about what it held for others. So i went to your blogs and this is what i found. I wrote what happened and then took my favorite part of the blog and posted it.

Katy had decided to become a writer instead of a doctor.
"But then some words from my dad came back to my mind: "I hope that you will always take the path that requires the most faith."

And then I remembered who I was and that my path has always been anything but ordinary. I began to drink in the dream I had vocalized to my adviser, that quiet and delicate dream. I began to breathe the colors of my soul into it, feeling it fully. Why should I confine myself to the precedents set for the ordinary graduate student? I realized in that moment that there are so many beautiful turns left in my story, so many unknown adventures. So, I am going to adamantly pursue a path that invites me to live full of faith and I am going to laugh in disbelief at the thrills God has written into my own story, thrills beyond what I had originally imagined."

Tim gave his readers a invitation.
"He described looking around his home and taking note of the neat artwork he had hung and realizing that he had to personal photographs to bear witness to the adventures he had lived. In this book, that was one of several indicators that he ought to get out and start living some better stories.

I want to fill my wall with stories. I want you to fill my wall with stories of places we have gone, adventures we have lived, and the things we have celebrated. I want photographic evidence that you and I are taking risks and walking this road together.

Yes, consider this an invitation."

Mom was at SALTS again.
(Posted on October 8 right before she left.)
"One more time I am getting out my suitcase.

One more time I am trying to get everyone's laundry done before I leave.

One more time I am making schedules and taping them to the cabinets in the kitchen for all to see.

One more time I am making up menus for my family.

One more time I am trying to anticipate what everyone will need while I am away.

One more time I am 23 hours from departure and feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to happen.

One more time I am heading to Michigan to help with SALT's

One more time I am gathering my materials for what I will be teaching.

One more time Mark and I are fighting against the evil that would rob us of the beauty coming as we teach together and make this trip together.

One more time I am struck with God's grace and pursuit of my heart.

One more time I am mindful of those who have poured themselves into me empowering me to do what God has called and gifted me to do.

One more time I am remembering when my journey of hope began.

One more time I am imagining the shores of Lake Michigan.

One more time I am aware that I have been Seized by Hope."

B was taking care of the little girls which means that she had no time to write but she was blessing me immensely.

Libby looked at the feeling of things becoming old.
"I’ve found that when old things become new, it is much sweeter, much richer of an experience than something that’s just new. Because despite their great potential for being used, boring, tired, stale, and monotonous, old things have character. What they lack in excitement, they can make for in durability and comfort. But all old things need to be restored over time—amidst their cracks and scars and scratches and dents, they need some newness added back into them—and it seems that the best kind of “new” can be found in the “old.” And I know that if God is as concerned with newness as He says He is, then there is plenty of opportunity for renewal and restoration in my relationship with Him and His church…and I’m starting to think that I’m desperately ready for this."

Danny found a way of living with reflecting thought music, swimming laps, and reading poetry. (written on Oct. 8th)
"i brought my journals back with me, from home, upon returning to austin on sunday. i enjoy reading through where i've been. its like i keep a summary of my life in my head, but i forget the richness of my story, the places God has led me and kept me guessing, dreaming, hoping, rejoicing, agonizing, crying, crying out, learning, wondering."

Tom was living.

And i was deciding to create my own blog.

My friends its been a year and life has moved fast. I hope this next year is filled with as many amazing memories. Thank you for writing and giving me something to say today. :)

Frist day of real college

I have come to the conclusion that my homework is still going to be around after i finish this blog so i can wright and be ok with putting it off for a wail. Today held my first real college day with K's definition or it. I had a freak out this morning. Which i fond most unfortunate because tuesdays should be my relax day.

The first part of my freak out happened at a unholy hour of the morning where i found my self waking up from a nightmare and could not go back to bed because a part of the dream was that i had not checked into class the day before so i would have an absence in that class. As i started to think the thought of oh it was only a dream i realized it was totally true. This would be the second time i had done this IN A WEEK!!! Are you freaking kidding me?

My next episode happened about 4 hours latter when i woke up from my half slumber to my roommates alarm'S(yes this S is suppose to be capitalized) and was excited about the fact that i did not have to get up because it was tuesday, but wait i was suppose to have a meeting with my college writing prof last week on tuesday........ and she could not do it.........SNAP! I HAVE A MEETING WITH MY PROF!!!!!! I knew i had luckily fixed my paper already which was the point of the meeting yet i was not ready. So i made my coffee and breakfast and ate wail checking over the paper one more time for sure, wail waiting for my roommate to get out of the bathroom so i could get in and get ready.

I jumped into the bathroom and worked on how i was going to fix my absence problem again. Time did not allow me to blow dry my hair because i still wanted to look over my notes for a quiz that would take place in an hour and a half. Which brings us to part three, my binder held everything but my homework due that day. WHERE IS THAT PAPER!?! I thought i had done it...... had i forgotten.....surly not.......I'll just print it again, i have time.......Wait its not in my folder......AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I AM SO SCREWED!!!!! ........Documents...... maybe i forgot to save it in that folder........where is it......NO!!, wait YES!!!!!! as i thought my hands in the air, victory was mine. i pressed print.

Ok, 8 min. before my meeting. I thought my binder in my backpack and ran to my meeting. I got there just in time and discussed everything i need to with my profs. Check ok now to McMath's office to face my absence. I was about to see if my practice talk with my self and the bathroom mirror was about to pay off. I knocked and poked my head into the open doorway. Him and another one of my profs were in there talking. I was welcomed in and put on a clammy yet somewhat clam smile and asked how both where doing. They smiled and said fine. And McMath asked how he could help me. I said that i had made the same mistake that i had last week and forgotten to sign into class. He smiled and walked to a cabinet with a stack of papers on top of it. He asked my name and a wave of relief came across me. I said Allison Johnson. He found my name and the paper and market it off. He then told me that he knew it was hard to remember sometimes and that i should not freak out. He then smiled in a way that told me, "yah you are not very good at hiding behind that smile." I then laughed and listened to him tell me that part of the learning process is that ever teacher will assign to much work, and you will feel overwhelmed. But they are helping us learn to breath and manage a lot at once. I smiled for real, took a breath and thanked him again. I left his office laughing at how much i was freaking out only half an hour earlier. I looked at my watch and saw that i had 30 min. left to study for my quiz that i had not been able to. I called Kaje on my way to study and laughed about my day with her for a little bit, then studied for class.

I am breathing now and laughing at how a small prayer i prayed paid off in such a small time. God took everything and made it so simple. It was a long day but it was epic. And i am looking forward to breathing and watching gLee tonight. :)