Giving Thanks First

I have never written everyday for Christmas or the Advent calendar. I don't really understand advent(which i plan to change this session) and although it starts tomorrow I am not ready to let go of November. 

A week ago was Thanksgiving, and it was wonderful. It was the first Thanksgiving that I have been to in 3 years. Now that is not to say that I did not celebrate Thanksgiving for the past two years, it means that it was not a celebration of what it means to me. Last year I was in Italy and I was serving Thanksgiving dinner to 40 Italians who were attending English camps where we were also integrating the gospel into the lessons. Two years ago I was at a family friend's house that we were living in wail we were trying to buy our home now. I was a mess and on the edge of walking away from the church (not Christ but the church); it was a time that I was not allowing my self to feel anything. I was numb to my life and the idea of ever feeling like I was going to find a place that was safe for me. I terrified of my life, angry with God, and so very lost. This year was the first year since I was a senior in high school to be home for Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving is different every year, yet there is a wonderful amount of tradition that comes out. Our family comes together, and we start out watching the Macy's Thanksgiving parade wail eating some type of wonderfulness that mom has made. After Santa Clause has waved and passed our screen we laugh at the idea of watching the dog show and then start getting ready for the rest of the day. Depending on how quickly we get dressed we watch/help mom make an epic feast (which we all know she started at 6:15 this morning). We have mash-potatoes the way Steven likes them, great grandma's pumpkin pie with leaves cut out of extra pie crust baked and sprinkled with sugar on top, green bean casserole, stuffing, rolls usually provided by B (along with an appetizer), and many other dishes. In years past we wait for Kim and her sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top to come thought the door with Russ and the boys talking about frying things on the back-porch. In recent years we have watched football, which I am secretly craving to watch, so I never complain about the opportunity to leave the kitchen conversation to take food to the guys. It is a day filled with fellowship. 

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is when we go around the table and say one thing that we are thankful for. This year I fond it hard for me to find words for all that I wanted to say. I had an answer that was not bad but it was not all that I had hoped, so I don't want to go into Christmas without putting words to what I am thankful for. So here is my answer as to what i am thankful for. 

With looking at the past 3 years I am thankful for how much has changed. And most everyone knows that I hate change. But for every heart ache, fear, faith, courage, friendship, family member, life choice, school assignment, trip, event that has occurred I am thankful. I am thankful for God's grace in not allowing me to come to this table again till I had gone thought everything that has been in these 3 years. The last time that I was at this table on this day I was pretty sure about who I was going to marry, what my life was going to look like, where I was going to go to school, and that my faith was as strong as it could be; I was in a great place. Since that day I have seen my brokenness and put words to it. I have dreamed in bigger ways then I could have imagined, I have stopped composing myself and started seeking to honor who I am and just how BELOVED I am. I have scars and marks that do not define me but remind me of who I was and who I want to be. As I look around this table I am thankful for each of the people here and where you have invited me to more. I am thankful to God for how he is making all things new in me. 

This Year

I don't want to write words, I think I want to share images. I see and understand the need for words so often that  I over use them when I simply want to share my life and me heart. In the past I believed that if I didn't have big words or a lot of thing to say people would not purse me, or want to hear what I have to say. I have many things that I hold that are without words and so I wish to just live out of that part of me right now, its a part that is full of color and imagines that I carry. These are from the past year and they are some of my favorite memories and so I share them with complete peace and joy.

                    

  

 

  

  

    

                                       

   

Over the last year this chapter of my life has grown and changed me in ways that I can not fully express. Dreams were lived, and experience in unexpected ways, so now I get to go find new dreams to live. I don't know what this dreams will hold for the next year, but I am having fun discovering them. 

Two Weeks

As I sit alone I am unnervingly aware of the silence. Of my thoughts and of my heart. Its friday, I am in my kitchen after putting the girls down, and its been two weeks.

Two weeks Ago today Nick broke up with me. 

To say that I was expecting it dose not make it easier, in fact I believe that it made it harder, yet its how the cookie crumbled (did I really just write that?). For those of you who did not know I was dating, my bad...... His name is Nick. He is a junior at Columbia University in Chicago. We meet because our parents are good friends. And I fond this out after, but my parents had asked him to befriend me and help me as I moved from living in a small Michigan town to being in the city of Chicago. The idea of this boy scared the shit out of me, and I told him this. But Nick is not my enemy, nor do I want to cast him as a weak, fool who let the best thing he's ever had get away from him as Beyonce has sung it so many time's. He is boy who invited me to believe and trust, wail I hope that I invited him to more. 

Last week was the first time that I actuarially allowed my self to feel the depth of those words. To feel really anything. To finally write down my thoughts, and slowly grasp all that had changed. To laugh about the fact that I "gave" up being single for Lent, or to poke fun at a few of the cliche things that our relationship held; but mostly to cry, and finally allow my self to feel disappointed, let down, and so very sad at what I had lost. 

I want to be honest with you my friends, yet most importantly I want to respect Nick. He did what he felt was right for him, and I believe he thought it was also right for me. This boy had guts, he jumped strait into a relationship, cold turkey. He did not go thought a 6 month period of getting to know me as friends and then having a DTR (which is not a bad way to do it). But he saw something and went for it, and this idea was diffidently a part of our relationship from the begging to the end. And this is me, I have a pretty good idea of all that I require and want in a guy. Nick was unexpected but amazingly perfect for me at the time. This was also a huge God thing because pretty much everybody knew that I did not want to be in a relationship going into this semester. 

But as I sit here I have to acknowledge one very big point and that is that Nick stopped fighting, somewhere along the way he came to the conclusion that I was no longer worth fighting for. Now I know that this is not true. I am worth fighting for, and I am not allowing this break up to define who I am, and all it is that I know I'm allowed to want/require for a relationship. But this is a big point that has to be said because it holds truth and a beginning in move on to what God has next for both of us.

I did not want to break up, and I'm not going to say that Nick was "the one" because I don't know that, nor am I even remarkable close to wanting to get married right now. But I miss his, and he epic enough that I have thought about if anything could ever happen with us when life felt less crazy for the both of us. There is a part of me that really hope for this, and another that knows growth needs to happen for both of us. I need a guy who is going to fight tooth and nail for me, and Nick would need to establish trust and actions that showed this if he decided that he wanted to start anything up again. 

I don't know what is next. Its going to take time, and there is still a hope that I need to see if its going to shrink or expand, there is another person that I have to recognize as having some influence in this, and there is a sovereign God who loves both of us in a very intimate way. So I write, I listen to my break up playlist on iTunes(I have a epic one), I take long walks, I seek beauty in the art of photography, and I take deep breaths on the hardest days to remind me that I am still alive. That I have choose a life of hope, and that require me to seek for more. I have chosen to fight for a life filled with adventure, and with a muddy smile one my face I will invite you and ask once more if you are with me on this journey?  

Come Awake

I sang a song on friday in chapel with the body of christ here at moody. It was the entire school with one heart singing to the God a the universe. I am part of a something so much bigger than me. I am so aware of who God is in me and what he has done in my life. I have lived a life being lukewarm, i was the church in Laodicea. And to brush up on my past sickness of lukewarmness i looked up what the angle said to the church in Laodicea.....

Revelation 3: 14-22
14 “To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. 15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

19 Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. 20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

21 To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”

I will spit you out of my mouth. Christ would rather us be cold or hot. How them is it that I look at the people walking on the streets of Chicago and I see their faces and know that they may not know my God, the one who has taken on my sin and loved me regardless of what i have done yet I do nothing, and the Body of christ dose nothing. I have learned and seen the generation that i have song about for so many years wail singing Hosanna. I look at the generation before me and see little passion and life, and i look to the generation beneath me where they are seeking and longing for leadership and I see my generation and i sing this with them.......

Click on this and watch the video.

Christ Has Risen lyrics
by Matt Maher

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
But fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but heaven's will
No scheme of hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead
He's alive! He's alive!


Church come awake, stop cowering in the corner. Christ has risen from the dead and defeated death and yet we are still dead as we come to worship not only on Sunday morning but everyday of our lives. I long and wait for the day when it dose not just feel like a few of my generation is awake. Will you long for that day with me.

I love.....

Today is my first day back at school after being on Holiday for a week. I have brand new stamps in my passport from Ireland, Venice, Reus/Barsalona, and the East Midlands. I have a Facebook album uploading as i type. And a fabulously ugly Irish sweater that makes me smile every time i see it. I am a world traveler.

This is one thing that i have wanted for so long. and i am so happy and settled, its crazy. I loved being able to have a real conversation with people because we spoke that same language, and to be able to take in the beautify of the place where i was yet i am aware of how much i missed my beautiful Italy. My home. I love Italy, the food, the couture the group of people i live with. I know that i am in my own little amereican bubble wail at school but i love it. There is no real worry that i am feeling with. Every week brings something new and wonderful.

Yet this week i am feeling the need to stay calm. I have to register for Chicago classes this week. Which means that i have to pick a major, and i have no idea what i want to do. I don't have a plan and the feels hard but i am also really ok with it. After Spokane i have described my life as being put in a blender and being purated. But this has caused me to really go back to the basics of who i am, and that is not a bad thing. The last thing that i want anyone to think is that i am complaining or in a really bad place because i am not. I am totally and completely joy filled. I am in a really good place. But here is the list that i have started of who i am and what i love......

I love......
-Growing in my faith
- Studying the Bible
-My family
-helping people
-teenagers
-food
-Art
-History
-Different culture
-Language
-People
-School
-Being different
-Tea and Coffee
- Being Spontaneous
-Looking at all the angles
-Traveling
-Hearing peoples Storys
-Fighting for people to be seen and heard
-Fellowship

These are just a few but they hold a lot more to me then just a basic idea. They hold life. I went thought an entire year of being dead and as i look back on it, i feel so much regret and fear that i lost who i was so much. But God has given me new life. I know so much more now then i did when i graduated. I am changed from the inside out. And although i do not know what is next for me i am at peace. I know that I am loved and cared for. That i am beloved.

This is not the blog that i thought it was going to be when i started however it is what came best today. I have many things that i hope to share as life continues to go but for now this is what i have to offer.

Dear Friend,

Its been a wail and I am at a lost for words to give in restarting our friendship. As you can guess I have been away for a wail. My love for you and all that you bring me got lost in the very debts of my soul but I fond you in a corner waiting along with a few of my hopes and dreams that I had barred. I did not want to turn you into a life less black hole that I used to numb my self. It felt like a lie to come in and wright things when in my life I was bull shiting my way of saying everything was ok. Dearest friend I was told that writhing is not for everyone yet I believe this person to be seriously mislead, you are a true friend and I will not give up on you. Thank you for waiting, for not excepting any mediocre blogs, but for asking me to act on a phase I once wrote "To live passionate adventures". You my friend will only except my stores with passionate adventures. And so now I have some to share. I want to catch you up on my life, and all that is happened. But tonight I am just going to rest with the sweet relief that you offer my soul and the kind welcome you gave me. I have miss you friend. Thank you for taking care of the most venerable dreams and desire of mine wail I was at war, it was a hard battle but I won and now I am excited to be whole once more.

Your beloved friend,
Allison

Stay close.

Me a year later.

Exactly one week from now i will be landing in Kalamazoo. I will be finished with my first year of college. I will be looking for a job, and preparing to go to Italy. This year i have learned a lot about my self. I am smarter than i thought i was, i am also much more insecure than i thought. I hate change but have gone with the flow when it comes up. I love the sun, and heat more than i ever thought i could. I have no favorite color, I have grown as a painter, I have lost fond and re-lost my self. I am terrible about eating red meat when i am on my own. I love coffee way to much. My body hates me if i sleep more than 8 hours but it absolutely despises me when i sleep anything less than 6. I am a southern girl. I don't hate snow but i like the heat better. Costco was given to man from God. I hate people who don't think (my anger is flaming just thinking about it). And i have missed blogging. I hope to write more in the days to come but right now i have to finish a Speech that i am presenting tomorrow.