The worst version of my self

I feel like I have the ability to become the worst version of my self today. I don’t know where it totally started but the power of it is crippling.

I wrote this a while back and it feels like it is rather true right now. I have found that the worst version of yourself is based out of a place of fear. It's the walls that you through up to protect your self. Its where you make someone pay for the brokenness, the hurt, and the fear that is taking root in you heart. 

I am broken, i am hurting, and i have lots of fear. 

I made someone pay tonight. I felt my hurt start flaring up like a blister, that teamed with my fear of being inadequate, unreliable,  and not worthy to be a leader or someones first choice allow my worst self come out. I believe that this person is about 14 years old. She is vicious and ruthless. She has slick brown hair that is in a overly tight ponytail at the nape of her neck. She wears a over sized black sweat shirt, and light washed jeans. She is covered in stains from past battles that she wears as trophies of where she "vanquish" her foes. Her pockets are filled with knives, broken glass, and really any sharp object that can piece skin to draw blood. Which causes more pain to her then those she fights, however she has become numb to the countless battles and blood that has been lost because of her. She choose to be alone so someone else wont choose not to be with her. The knives keep her safe and guarded from hoping, and being taken advantage of. 

She showed up and immediately pushed anything that had to do with my brokenness, hurt, pain, kindness, grace, or really any human characteristics back behind a huge wall, where it was still apparent but you had to look really hard for it. I was on high alert and no one was going to get to me, especially to my heart. 

I am aware that it's through our brokenness that Christ is seen brightest. But Jesus was allowed no where near my heart or close to this person tonight. This friend did not get to see Christ thought me, they were attacked and blood was drawn. I physically found my self standing looking down at this person swearing in my mind that I would make them pay. There was no grace, there was no care, there was no forgiveness. And after the blood was taken I felt the shift change in the room, it was not till this person left that I felt the disappointment that was hanging in the air. I was making this person pay for hurt that is connected with them, but also messages of pain from lies that I have lived for so many years of my life. Messages like how I will always be inadequate, and how stupid, and naive I am, how I'm undesirable, and so on. I know what is true yet I allowed these lies to enter in and my worst version of my self channeled all that anger and pain toward this person sitting across from me. After all this version of my self is the main recipient and believer of these lies so why would she hold back? The pain of these messages hits her harder then any other part of me and so I chose not to hold on to truth and feel all that was going on with me, but rather I shoved all my hurt and anger onto a rather innocent bystander who was just sitting in the room. 

This girl is one of the most broken parts of my story. It's ironic that what would save her is the one thing that she makes sure is hidden behind that wall. It's the brokenness that we share that would allow her to experience life. In my brokenness Jesus is most apparent and he is waiting for me to rest with him there. What this very young girl needs is just to be held and told that everything is going to be ok. I feel like my words can not fully cover the gravity of the brokenness of this girl and the need for Jesus to just be with her. So I'm left in a empty room. My friend has gone (as they should have after what I said), and I am left with my brokenness. And as much as I want to hid and fully cover my self in the shame that is around me, I am aware that I have the opportunity to come back but that feels really hard. I get to choose how I'm going to show up now that I have failed.... will I try and justify my self and stay at arms length from everyone I care about, or will I allow my self to ask for forgiveness and be broken.  

I have two places that Jesus was very kind to me this past week that are helping me in this space; the first is that I meet with the professor who supervised my trip to the Czech Republic. He gave me truth that feels really impactful right now. He first talked about my heart and how my ability to love is from God, but he went on to speak about how i have the ability to allow fear to take hold of it. I have to choose to fight for my joy, and not to allow fear to take hold. I let fear take hold of me tonight and it cost me. I care about this friend and I totally went at them. I drew blood not because I was a stronger or a better fighter, but because i was scared and I wanted to feel better about my life. And I am really regretting not holding onto the kindness that i could have shown to my self and then in the midst of figuring out all that i am holding. 

The second place that Jesus is with me was with tonight sermon. It was about Lazarus and where we all experience places where we need Jesus to awaken and bring new life to the places where we have deadened ourselves. I said some really terrible things tonight. And i have deadened the place that someone will be with me. I am numb in a lot of places, but one really big one for me is that if someone does not first know my family they will not stick with me, or after they meet them i will be come second best. I am scared that i will loose this friend and that i am going to continue to get hurt by people. But i know that having people who truly know me is worth getting hurt over. I know that this friend has caused some hurt but there is no way that they ever meant to hurt me on purpose, and even thought they are starting to know my family they still care about me. They are trying to keep our friendship alive and i attacked out of fear. I need Jesus to redeem my broken state, to allow me to believe that i am worth having as a friend and that people will fight to be with me. I have to be redeemed from the state of having to have something not be my fault, or being right. It does not really matter who is right or wrong, or who's fault it is. There is hurt, and pain on both sides. I need Jesus desperately in this space. 

This song feels like it is the cry of my heart tonight.....

I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Or the days to come. But I know that i have a savior who is doing a new work in me. I made a mistake, and I hope that this friend forgives me. I hope that I can be kind to the broken places inside of me. I believe that redemption can be experienced. But that requires me to make a choice, which is- How am I going to choose to show up now in this moment after my mistake, and in the moments to come? 

Where my faith is without boarders

Tonight I said I would write a paper yet there are words that need to make their way onto this page first. I'm in my last semester of college which has left my heart open to so much. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything. Which I can but really my heart is so full of longing to serve my Jesus. I have so many hopes and dreams and the next step is so close. And by no means will I let one day pass me here at Moody that I will not take full advantage of but I guess this pass week I was reminded and aware of the legacy that I'm connected with at Moody. I find tears in my eyes right now because of the glory and goodness of my God. I was never suppose to be anywhere else then here at this school, for this time, and this ministry. Yet in 97 days I will have to move to the next step.

So in this moment I find myself sitting here in the midst of the heart ache and the pain of life, but the hope and joy that is fond in it as well. I have two songs repeating over and over in my head right now. the first is....

Give me faith by elevation worship 

Followed by Oceans by Hillsong 

These song echo in the deeps of my soul. Ringing ever louder inviting me to more. Inviting me to have faith. Building into a crescendo of life. How can I not respond if I declare these words to be true? How can I say I will live small after I have felt and experienced all that I have? How could I let my faith shrink and then crumble into nothing when all that it means to have faith is built up on the foundation of grace, hope, and a deep love that I can't even fathom? 

People keep asking me what is next; which is not a bad question but I would invite you to ask me and my fellow seniors a different question- Ask me what I am passionate about, ask me where God is moving in monumental and terrifying ways, Ask me what I want my legacy to be in these last 97 days and then long after them. Because I don't know what is next, but I know that God is good. I know that he created me to love kids. I know that I will never be able to say thank you enough to all that God gave me here at Moody. I know that I will always thank God for letting me lead one of the most amazing group of college students I have ever meet in my life called RACO. I know that for the rest of my life I will be hanging out with adolescence. I know that I will have lots of stamps in my passports. I know that I will be asking everyone I can what their story is, and I know that I will experience deep pain and suffering but it will never take my joy. 

I am ready for whatever is next and that may be moving just half a mile north of where I'm right now to be a Moody Graduate student or that may mean being in Europe in less then 8 months. I don't know but God does so I find my self praying for courage and wisdom; to have the ability to fight for truth; and finally to live where my faith is without boarders. 

You don't need Jesus till.....

"Hope is hard. It is a light that sparks passion, it is a intake of life into numb lungs, it starts out small but grows quickly with the right care. There is so much joy, and life that is lived when hope is invited in.

I gave into hope this weekend. I let it take hold of my heart and it was glorious. But as i sit here i am unsure as to what to do next." 

This is part of a blog post I started on tuesday. I still don't know what to do...... I am pretty broken right now, but i feel the life that is flowing thought me. Slowly everything feels like it is kinda taking a beating. I am possibly failing a class and i have never had to face that, all my exec members in RACO are dealing with something, my future plans are still up in the air, my personal life is holding the wait of just being sad with a few things, and my health is here but so is winter. I have more to write but words feel hard right now. So I am choosing to live in this moment. I have so much to feel and yes a lot of it is hard, but i will not numb my self, i can't. I know what pure joy is and to be able to experience it I have to also feel the pain. 

I dont know what God wants from me, and if i'm being honest i am angry. But i am also aware that he is good, and where his blessing are overflowing onto me. I have to praise him becuase i have nothing else right now. I don't know why he wants me broken but i am reminded of a song that is playing right now on my spotify.....

I woke up this morning
And I heard the news
I know the pain of a heartbreak
I don't have answers
And neither do you
I know the pain of a heartbreak


This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

I heard the doctor
But what did he say
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don't need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep


This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks
When a heart breaks
When a heart breaks
Oh, when a heart breaks

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're hereThen confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk awayWhen a heart breaks

The line that is sticking with me right now "This isn't easy, this isn't clear and you don't need Jesus till your here. Then the confusion and the doubts you had just up and walk away"

I have not needed Jesus lately, and I let my priorities slide. But my heart is feeling pretty broken in the midst of all that my life is holding and I need Jesus now that I am here. And I am still feeling a lot but I know that the confusion and the doubt will slowly fade away. So I rest in the fact that thought the good and the bad I will say to God be the glory and with everything broken he has a beautiful canvas to make all things new. 

I wonder how I will be made new. 

I am left feeling grateful

So a week or so ago I was writing a blog in the library and a friend of mine caught me in the act of posting. They inquired about what I was doing and them asked for my blog address, and I said no and quickly moved my hand to block the screen. They then proceeded to play with different tags, and names they believed that I would have used to mark my writings with...... I held my breath, yet they were coming up with nothing. After this they tried to make a trade with me by showing me their blog, yet there was still a part of my heart that was not on board with this trade was it truly fair, is this a trick..... I said no and moved back to my blog post knowing that if I was in the preparation phase they could not read my blog address. Yet when I did not think they where looking I click publishes. That 3 seconds was all they needed they had fond it and typed it in. I was caught and I was undone.

 They started reading the post they had fond me writing. They finished and dapped my hand several times, I let out a nervous laugh. Ok great their done and we can move on. See that was not that ba...what... no what are you doing...

They started scrolling thought the past entries I fond my self breathing deeply, I too start to scrolled down faster then them to see if I could beat them to the next post; to see what they would see, to read the words that I had allowed to leaked out onto a page. To see my heart in one of its more vulnerable and raw ways. It was unnerving.  

Then finally I fond one that struck me dead. It was my post on Nick. There was no real reason why it was this one, other then the fact that out of my posts there are a few that I remember writing, and this was one. I gasped and could not hold it in and of course they saw it, they fond the post but before they started reading they meet my eyes and with the deepest sincerity and asked me if I was really ok with them reading it. I mumbled off some type of yes, however not meeting their eyes, my heart pondering so loudly that I could hear it ringing in my ears. Yet I knew I had not lost their gaze. Again they asked me. This time I allowed myself to hear their questing and take it in. This time I allow my self to meet their eyes and replayed with a yes, and that this is why I have a blog for people to read my thoughts. They then allowed their eyes to meet the screen and began to start reading. 

"Stupid girl!” "That's spelled wrong.", "You use that type of language?”, “Well obvious I know why they left." These were the responses that were going thought my head as they kept reading. And my response...Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 

Then the moment came, they reached the end and looked up.

I am ashamed that I was taken aback by the words I heard them say, and there in can't remember them. However I can tell you they were glorious. They were full of kindness and admiration for my writing. I fond my self kind of frozen, and they had to ask me if I was ok a few times before I fond my breath again. I thanked them for there words and tried to think of what else is the "correct" thing to do next. For me it was to go back to work and not think about it anymore. To say thank you to words that I was not allowing to touch my heart. I logically believed them but that was the only place I was going to allow them to go. Eventually we ended up in my office and started just hanging out and talking. 

Yet as we sat there I fond that I was defensive. That my words were biting and catty. After coming to this understanding I started to try and figure out what had happened, so I could fix my attitude. I fond my self thinking back to what was going on, really I knew what it was but I did not want to admit it, but then I had to. 

I was feeling vulnerable. 

My blog holds things in it that are apart of who I am. I am someone who has a voice that strives to encourage in a real and authentic way. I am a woman who is not quite and contained but who strives to live with integrity. I am a dreamer who paints these pages with images of what life could hold and be. I am passionate, and I fight to allow that to flow in and thought my life. Yet, I am human and I struggle with the finer details of writing, and I run away from the possibility of getting hurt. 

And I was believing that I was in the line of fire to be hurt. 

This semester has help many moments where I was... disappointed about my learning disability. It has brought up past memories of the struggles, and the fears that have come with being born with this. And finding my self once again exposed before someone who I respect and care about was pushing me over the edge. So I went into survival mode, I started pushing them away and putting up walls. 

After I came to this understanding I was left with two options: continue on the course I had started by slowly backing up and building walls, or I could once again become vulnerable... Go big or go home...

I took a breath and owned with this person that I felt my self being defensive toward them and that I was sorry, They looked at me and said something to the lines of "Well yah, you were vulnerable and so now you are overcompensating"..."well yah." They smiled, and once again I was left touched, they once again talked about my ability to write and how I have an ability to take ideas and thoughts and put them down in ways that they did not know how to. That my spelling is bad sometimes but that my thoughts are amazing and maybe my spelling is what is there to keep me humble. As they spoke I finally allowed the words they were saying to be taken in by my heart, and I was left feeling seen, honored, and grateful. 

So you maybe asking, why this blog? Why share this story?

The reason why is because I want to honor the place of my brokenness, but to also allow my self to feel the sweetness of who God is in the midst of that. I have received feedback on my writing since as long as I can remember, however I have fond my self a little more reserved here at school with my blog, it feels risky and open to more criticism and or rejection then I would possibly want.  So it felt unexpected and terrifying having my words being fond by a classmate right before my eyes, yet I was left feeling more seen and cared for in ways that I wasn't expecting. I am continually aware of the places where my faith is to small, but my God is not. That he loves me enough to show up in the little things. This semester I have had some yelling matches with God on my frustration on how hard this place is for me, how much more work I have to put in to write a simple paper, to study for a easy test. And really just the angry that was masking the sad, and lost 6 year old who did not know how to spell her name.  

So right now I feel overwhelmed by his answer. That I am both seen and heard by God in what feels like the small and stupid places. That I am not alone. And that he knows me well enough to bless me with friends who stick with me in the places where I push back. God knows that I am a relational person and so he tends to speak into me thought them, and that night it was suppose to be that specific person. 

So why am I smiling with a peace and joy that only comes from a father? Because he used a friend who matters deeply to speak into me.  

And I am left feeling grateful.

When she comes around

I am sitting and waiting. Literally I am sitting writing a paper waiting and wondering. About life, and this year and everything else in-between.
Finally my thinking was to loud for my own good so I put on spotify and was greeted by a Ben Rector song.

I was first hit by the words that he share of how he will show up when "she" comes around, which I took as him meeting the girl and he was going to show up in some amazing way, however after listening for another minute I was struck by the fact that this girl is technically coming back. For me in this moment I am taking that as she left, and has left this guy waiting. My guess is that he probably showed up poorly, and that he probably got scared and ran for a minute. But that he aware that she is back but also painfully aware of why she left. In this moment I feel stuck by this, and I am choosing to take let these words resinate with me right now. I guess I'm left wondering where I will allow my heart to maintain hope and kindness when i see that some of the men in my life have made mistakes, and if I will choose to come back and not block them out. In the past  have said no but i am fully aware that i want to hold out hope, and where i want to risk, where i want to fight, and that means coming back and knowing hurt will come, but that the risk of allowing hope to take hold of my heart feels to good to be without.

Not becoming cold part 1

"Don't give up, don't go cold, you're closer to moving on. If it don't hurt, then it's wrong so lets hurt for awhile 'till we feel something."

Well alrighty them. This line comes from a band that I was recently introduced to with the help of Spotify. I don't have time to write to much about where I'm at. I have a blog in progress and really a knowledge that because I have not written in a while no one is reading my blog. Which if I'm honest allows me to have a freedom to just bleed onto the pages and become like Meg Ryan in "You've got Mail" where she is typing to her email pal (Tom Hanks) and talks about how she is could just be writing in to the void of what is the Internet, but how all these silly little nothing (conversation between the two of them) have been nothing but that they have meant something to her. Blogging means something to me. Even if no one reads it or even knows I'm here, there is the possibility that there is someone somewhere who is out there who stumbles upon this small little space on the Internet that is called the Muddy Smile. And that for me it meant something to say a few words about my life. This song hit my heart today. There is a space in which I am waiting, and choosing not to give up and not to become cold because I know that there is beauty in the midst of deep pain and sadness, and that you can not feel the joy if you don't allow your self to feel the pain. So I sit in this oversized Starbucks in downtown Chicago, holding back tears of familiarity allowing my self to feel the pain, and wait in anticipation for the joy.

Words for 2013....

So it is my first post of 2013. This is sad. I can not relapse all that has happened in the last 8 months but here is a few points that I'm feeling tonight.

- Change suck, and its really great.

- I like in a black and white mentality a lot, and i really need to stop that.

- I hate liking guys who live far away from me.

- I am a freaking senior.... i am not old enough for this.

- I still suck at spelling/grammar

-God is good, all the time.

- Redcloud is kinda ending for me, and i am totally and completely heart broken about it.

- Relient K is still the best band out there.

- I was created to work with college students

-I am a stubborn, stupid, terrible person and lot of the time, and yet God still choose to use me...

And last- I am ready to live some more passionate, glorious, adventure, and I hope that you are still with me.