Grace for the worst in me.....

I am a Bitch.

Now I type that knowing that I have just started off this blog on a very harsh, and rather shocking manor. Please let me expand on this statement by saying I am not in a place of self-harm nor am I in a state where I am spiraling in an unhealthy way. This stamen was prompted by a beautiful piece of literature by Jan Meyers Proett. Jan is one of my new favorite authors. What started my respect and enjoyment of her writing was with her contributing to an online magazine called Red Tent Living. Jan's words of honesty and truth are utterly refreshing and hopeful. Through these posts I found my self-picking up her book called Beauty and the Bitch- Grace for the worst in me.

This book expands on the fact that each woman holds two realties in her that she chooses to live out of. One is based in beauty where each woman allows her self to be impactful and impacted in beautiful and vulnerable ways. The other is a state of self-protection that is know as the bitch. This part of the women seeks to protect and control in the worst ways. This is where past hurts and disappoints reside. Women have the opportunity to choose one or the other, however there are very different outcomes to each choice.

As I was reading today I found an excerpt that left me.... well just read for your self…

"God wants your heart. The bitch wants you protected. God is not concerned that you clean up your lavish spending habits or bringing in secrets as much as he longs for you to bring to him your tender ache, confusion, and pain over your unmet desires. The bitch will make sure you never let the tender ache surface"

I have chosen to be the bitch in a few places this summer. She has fought to suppress the ache and pain that has come throughout these warm summer days. This realization was hard to come to grips with, and you can somewhat see it in my last blog post. I had a plan however it is no longer my plan and my unfortunate need for control is freaking out underneath my surface because I cannot control over what is next. As I kept reading I found my pencil underling most of the content located on the next few pages.

Jan continues by speaks about dreaming and how there is no guarantee. She talks about how the bitch "sneers at our desperate longing and mocks it calling it weak and foolish". She then quotes Sharon Hersh who says, "Redemption does not mean that God meets out needs and then our souls stop longing. No, redemption dose not eradicate desperation. Instead, redemption allows us to surrender." To surrender means letting go of our plans and control. We surrender our plans and our longing to alter the really that we are in. "We are asking the bitch to step aside, telling her we understand why she is so scared, hurt and anger, but that her service of self- protection are no longer needed. We open our grip and allow both desire and the suffering from unmet desires to be real." Our longings do not leave however we make a choice to follow after God. To let him lead us to the places he has for us. And we rest in the fact that there is nothing God wants for us to do except to just come. To bring all of who we are to him.

My longing to have a master's in bible and theology, my longing to be in a relationship, my longing to have fellowship with my amazing friends, my longing to keep discovering Chicago, my longing to only be a few hours away from my home, my love and wonder of snow that dances in the winter, my heart for Moody and Chicago, these are all so glorious and i find that my heart is holding all of them.

Gerald May says-

"If our choice of God is to be made with integrity we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them our gods. True love then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. A mature and meaningful love must say something like, ' I have experienced other goddesses, and they are beautiful, but it is You, my true heart's desire, whom I choose above all."

I have found that my love for my God and the deep desire to glorify him in all I say and do is so much greater than those listed about. However, with that understanding I am left feeling vulnerable and afraid that he is not going to be who he says he is, what he does not care enough and there in disappointment is waiting for me if I let go of my longing listed about and fully live out of God love for me.  God loves all the desires I have listed and those that I have held back from writing on this page, but redemption does not mean that what I long for will stop existing, my redemption means that God will provide and love me. I can be curious about what those longing will turn into or hold for me.

For the first time I am finally saying that I want to be in Arizona, I want to work at the college that I am interviewing with, I want to be part of that amazing community and the life giving attester that exists there. This feels huge to me, because by vocalizing the desire of my heart I am opening up my self to the possibility of being very disappointed if rejection comes. It feels risky to have this much hope, especially with the knowledge that I could be doing the exact job that I want to be doing my first year out of college. This possibility would put me in like a 5% grouping of college graduates.

I need redemption. I need to stay present in remembering that God has a plan. And yet I am so unsure as to what is next. So the bitch and the beauty are battling everyday for control but tonight I am choosing beauty.

Life at June 25

There have been 7 drafts’ that have been started since my last post but as you can see they have not found my page yet. I'm not really sure what I want to share right now. I think that is the reason that none of those posts have been published yet. All the words that have been written on them are true but none fully articulate what it is that I am feeling. One of the main phrases that I have used this summer is "I don't know what I want." This sentence is not one that I have felt like has ever really made its way as deep into my heart as it has this summer. For the last 18 years I have known what was coming after every summer. However that is no longer the case. 10 weeks ago I would have said it was, 10 weeks ago I thought that I would be in England by this time, I thought that I would be pursuing my Masters in Biblical and Theological Study from Moody, I thought that I would be living another year in Chicago loving it more and more each day, and continuing to be a student. 

And then life flipped on me. So as I finished out my senior year and looked toward what was next I was hit with the fact that I did not know what I wanted. I know who I am, and I know that I want to work with college students. 

I started looking at jobs within that field. So I researched Resident Director, Resident Supervisor, and Student Affairs Director, really anything that would get me on a college campus. But I also know that I am good at planning events and started looking at positions that would allow me to be able to do something that I enjoy doing while being in a place that would allow me to work with students. So then I looked at event planning jobs in places like Grand Rapids, Ann Arbor, and Chicago. These are all places that have churches that I know are thriving that have a student ministry that I could plug in with. 

As I read over the last three paragraphs I see facts and information but I don't see my heart, I don't see what is real. So here It is....

I got a call today from my first choice job. It’s a RD position at a thriving school. The call was a basic interview, and was over after about 15 minutes. Less then 3 hours latter I got another call from them asking me for a second interview. I was super excited, and this job is in Arizona. I really want it and if I am being honest its not Chicago which is a good thing and a hard thing. I never would have believed that I could fall in love with a city, especially not that city but I love it. And I was introduced to a church that I loved in it. So I want to move, I’m ready to be somewhere else, I want my adventure and I will miss Chicago if I move.  

I'm going to miss Moody. As dysfunctional as it can be, I love that school. I loved my job, I loved my team, I loved my floor, and just my life as a whole. I had a great two and a half years, I had adventures, I had my special spots, I had my entire life there and so leaving has felt hard. But it feels especially hard knowing that all my friends are going back and knowing that a few of them have told me that they want me to get a job in Chicago. 

So I know that this is not a huge update but this is where I am at on June 25, 2014. I have no idea what is next and I hate that. And I wish that I could fully love one place over another so I could stop feeling so torn. My heart still bleeds for Chicago and part of it just wants to be with the people that I care about in a city that is home, but my head knows that I want to work with students and the place in Arizona is the perfect job for me and it’s what I want to be doing. So it all feels messy, but then again I know that means that I am feeling everything thing that I should be feeling and that it means that Gods going to bless me where ever I go.

So this is not my finest post and I am ok with that. It reflects my ambivalence and sacredness right now in the midst of my crazy life. If you are reading this I just want to say that I am glad that you are still with me, I am grateful.    

The worst version of my self

I feel like I have the ability to become the worst version of my self today. I don’t know where it totally started but the power of it is crippling.

I wrote this a while back and it feels like it is rather true right now. I have found that the worst version of yourself is based out of a place of fear. It's the walls that you through up to protect your self. Its where you make someone pay for the brokenness, the hurt, and the fear that is taking root in you heart. 

I am broken, i am hurting, and i have lots of fear. 

I made someone pay tonight. I felt my hurt start flaring up like a blister, that teamed with my fear of being inadequate, unreliable,  and not worthy to be a leader or someones first choice allow my worst self come out. I believe that this person is about 14 years old. She is vicious and ruthless. She has slick brown hair that is in a overly tight ponytail at the nape of her neck. She wears a over sized black sweat shirt, and light washed jeans. She is covered in stains from past battles that she wears as trophies of where she "vanquish" her foes. Her pockets are filled with knives, broken glass, and really any sharp object that can piece skin to draw blood. Which causes more pain to her then those she fights, however she has become numb to the countless battles and blood that has been lost because of her. She choose to be alone so someone else wont choose not to be with her. The knives keep her safe and guarded from hoping, and being taken advantage of. 

She showed up and immediately pushed anything that had to do with my brokenness, hurt, pain, kindness, grace, or really any human characteristics back behind a huge wall, where it was still apparent but you had to look really hard for it. I was on high alert and no one was going to get to me, especially to my heart. 

I am aware that it's through our brokenness that Christ is seen brightest. But Jesus was allowed no where near my heart or close to this person tonight. This friend did not get to see Christ thought me, they were attacked and blood was drawn. I physically found my self standing looking down at this person swearing in my mind that I would make them pay. There was no grace, there was no care, there was no forgiveness. And after the blood was taken I felt the shift change in the room, it was not till this person left that I felt the disappointment that was hanging in the air. I was making this person pay for hurt that is connected with them, but also messages of pain from lies that I have lived for so many years of my life. Messages like how I will always be inadequate, and how stupid, and naive I am, how I'm undesirable, and so on. I know what is true yet I allowed these lies to enter in and my worst version of my self channeled all that anger and pain toward this person sitting across from me. After all this version of my self is the main recipient and believer of these lies so why would she hold back? The pain of these messages hits her harder then any other part of me and so I chose not to hold on to truth and feel all that was going on with me, but rather I shoved all my hurt and anger onto a rather innocent bystander who was just sitting in the room. 

This girl is one of the most broken parts of my story. It's ironic that what would save her is the one thing that she makes sure is hidden behind that wall. It's the brokenness that we share that would allow her to experience life. In my brokenness Jesus is most apparent and he is waiting for me to rest with him there. What this very young girl needs is just to be held and told that everything is going to be ok. I feel like my words can not fully cover the gravity of the brokenness of this girl and the need for Jesus to just be with her. So I'm left in a empty room. My friend has gone (as they should have after what I said), and I am left with my brokenness. And as much as I want to hid and fully cover my self in the shame that is around me, I am aware that I have the opportunity to come back but that feels really hard. I get to choose how I'm going to show up now that I have failed.... will I try and justify my self and stay at arms length from everyone I care about, or will I allow my self to ask for forgiveness and be broken.  

I have two places that Jesus was very kind to me this past week that are helping me in this space; the first is that I meet with the professor who supervised my trip to the Czech Republic. He gave me truth that feels really impactful right now. He first talked about my heart and how my ability to love is from God, but he went on to speak about how i have the ability to allow fear to take hold of it. I have to choose to fight for my joy, and not to allow fear to take hold. I let fear take hold of me tonight and it cost me. I care about this friend and I totally went at them. I drew blood not because I was a stronger or a better fighter, but because i was scared and I wanted to feel better about my life. And I am really regretting not holding onto the kindness that i could have shown to my self and then in the midst of figuring out all that i am holding. 

The second place that Jesus is with me was with tonight sermon. It was about Lazarus and where we all experience places where we need Jesus to awaken and bring new life to the places where we have deadened ourselves. I said some really terrible things tonight. And i have deadened the place that someone will be with me. I am numb in a lot of places, but one really big one for me is that if someone does not first know my family they will not stick with me, or after they meet them i will be come second best. I am scared that i will loose this friend and that i am going to continue to get hurt by people. But i know that having people who truly know me is worth getting hurt over. I know that this friend has caused some hurt but there is no way that they ever meant to hurt me on purpose, and even thought they are starting to know my family they still care about me. They are trying to keep our friendship alive and i attacked out of fear. I need Jesus to redeem my broken state, to allow me to believe that i am worth having as a friend and that people will fight to be with me. I have to be redeemed from the state of having to have something not be my fault, or being right. It does not really matter who is right or wrong, or who's fault it is. There is hurt, and pain on both sides. I need Jesus desperately in this space. 

This song feels like it is the cry of my heart tonight.....

I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Or the days to come. But I know that i have a savior who is doing a new work in me. I made a mistake, and I hope that this friend forgives me. I hope that I can be kind to the broken places inside of me. I believe that redemption can be experienced. But that requires me to make a choice, which is- How am I going to choose to show up now in this moment after my mistake, and in the moments to come? 

Where my faith is without boarders

Tonight I said I would write a paper yet there are words that need to make their way onto this page first. I'm in my last semester of college which has left my heart open to so much. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything. Which I can but really my heart is so full of longing to serve my Jesus. I have so many hopes and dreams and the next step is so close. And by no means will I let one day pass me here at Moody that I will not take full advantage of but I guess this pass week I was reminded and aware of the legacy that I'm connected with at Moody. I find tears in my eyes right now because of the glory and goodness of my God. I was never suppose to be anywhere else then here at this school, for this time, and this ministry. Yet in 97 days I will have to move to the next step.

So in this moment I find myself sitting here in the midst of the heart ache and the pain of life, but the hope and joy that is fond in it as well. I have two songs repeating over and over in my head right now. the first is....

Give me faith by elevation worship 

Followed by Oceans by Hillsong 

These song echo in the deeps of my soul. Ringing ever louder inviting me to more. Inviting me to have faith. Building into a crescendo of life. How can I not respond if I declare these words to be true? How can I say I will live small after I have felt and experienced all that I have? How could I let my faith shrink and then crumble into nothing when all that it means to have faith is built up on the foundation of grace, hope, and a deep love that I can't even fathom? 

People keep asking me what is next; which is not a bad question but I would invite you to ask me and my fellow seniors a different question- Ask me what I am passionate about, ask me where God is moving in monumental and terrifying ways, Ask me what I want my legacy to be in these last 97 days and then long after them. Because I don't know what is next, but I know that God is good. I know that he created me to love kids. I know that I will never be able to say thank you enough to all that God gave me here at Moody. I know that I will always thank God for letting me lead one of the most amazing group of college students I have ever meet in my life called RACO. I know that for the rest of my life I will be hanging out with adolescence. I know that I will have lots of stamps in my passports. I know that I will be asking everyone I can what their story is, and I know that I will experience deep pain and suffering but it will never take my joy. 

I am ready for whatever is next and that may be moving just half a mile north of where I'm right now to be a Moody Graduate student or that may mean being in Europe in less then 8 months. I don't know but God does so I find my self praying for courage and wisdom; to have the ability to fight for truth; and finally to live where my faith is without boarders. 

You don't need Jesus till.....

"Hope is hard. It is a light that sparks passion, it is a intake of life into numb lungs, it starts out small but grows quickly with the right care. There is so much joy, and life that is lived when hope is invited in.

I gave into hope this weekend. I let it take hold of my heart and it was glorious. But as i sit here i am unsure as to what to do next." 

This is part of a blog post I started on tuesday. I still don't know what to do...... I am pretty broken right now, but i feel the life that is flowing thought me. Slowly everything feels like it is kinda taking a beating. I am possibly failing a class and i have never had to face that, all my exec members in RACO are dealing with something, my future plans are still up in the air, my personal life is holding the wait of just being sad with a few things, and my health is here but so is winter. I have more to write but words feel hard right now. So I am choosing to live in this moment. I have so much to feel and yes a lot of it is hard, but i will not numb my self, i can't. I know what pure joy is and to be able to experience it I have to also feel the pain. 

I dont know what God wants from me, and if i'm being honest i am angry. But i am also aware that he is good, and where his blessing are overflowing onto me. I have to praise him becuase i have nothing else right now. I don't know why he wants me broken but i am reminded of a song that is playing right now on my spotify.....

I woke up this morning
And I heard the news
I know the pain of a heartbreak
I don't have answers
And neither do you
I know the pain of a heartbreak


This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

I heard the doctor
But what did he say
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don't need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep


This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks
When a heart breaks
When a heart breaks
Oh, when a heart breaks

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're hereThen confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk awayWhen a heart breaks

The line that is sticking with me right now "This isn't easy, this isn't clear and you don't need Jesus till your here. Then the confusion and the doubts you had just up and walk away"

I have not needed Jesus lately, and I let my priorities slide. But my heart is feeling pretty broken in the midst of all that my life is holding and I need Jesus now that I am here. And I am still feeling a lot but I know that the confusion and the doubt will slowly fade away. So I rest in the fact that thought the good and the bad I will say to God be the glory and with everything broken he has a beautiful canvas to make all things new. 

I wonder how I will be made new. 

I am left feeling grateful

So a week or so ago I was writing a blog in the library and a friend of mine caught me in the act of posting. They inquired about what I was doing and them asked for my blog address, and I said no and quickly moved my hand to block the screen. They then proceeded to play with different tags, and names they believed that I would have used to mark my writings with...... I held my breath, yet they were coming up with nothing. After this they tried to make a trade with me by showing me their blog, yet there was still a part of my heart that was not on board with this trade was it truly fair, is this a trick..... I said no and moved back to my blog post knowing that if I was in the preparation phase they could not read my blog address. Yet when I did not think they where looking I click publishes. That 3 seconds was all they needed they had fond it and typed it in. I was caught and I was undone.

 They started reading the post they had fond me writing. They finished and dapped my hand several times, I let out a nervous laugh. Ok great their done and we can move on. See that was not that ba...what... no what are you doing...

They started scrolling thought the past entries I fond my self breathing deeply, I too start to scrolled down faster then them to see if I could beat them to the next post; to see what they would see, to read the words that I had allowed to leaked out onto a page. To see my heart in one of its more vulnerable and raw ways. It was unnerving.  

Then finally I fond one that struck me dead. It was my post on Nick. There was no real reason why it was this one, other then the fact that out of my posts there are a few that I remember writing, and this was one. I gasped and could not hold it in and of course they saw it, they fond the post but before they started reading they meet my eyes and with the deepest sincerity and asked me if I was really ok with them reading it. I mumbled off some type of yes, however not meeting their eyes, my heart pondering so loudly that I could hear it ringing in my ears. Yet I knew I had not lost their gaze. Again they asked me. This time I allowed myself to hear their questing and take it in. This time I allow my self to meet their eyes and replayed with a yes, and that this is why I have a blog for people to read my thoughts. They then allowed their eyes to meet the screen and began to start reading. 

"Stupid girl!” "That's spelled wrong.", "You use that type of language?”, “Well obvious I know why they left." These were the responses that were going thought my head as they kept reading. And my response...Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. 

Then the moment came, they reached the end and looked up.

I am ashamed that I was taken aback by the words I heard them say, and there in can't remember them. However I can tell you they were glorious. They were full of kindness and admiration for my writing. I fond my self kind of frozen, and they had to ask me if I was ok a few times before I fond my breath again. I thanked them for there words and tried to think of what else is the "correct" thing to do next. For me it was to go back to work and not think about it anymore. To say thank you to words that I was not allowing to touch my heart. I logically believed them but that was the only place I was going to allow them to go. Eventually we ended up in my office and started just hanging out and talking. 

Yet as we sat there I fond that I was defensive. That my words were biting and catty. After coming to this understanding I started to try and figure out what had happened, so I could fix my attitude. I fond my self thinking back to what was going on, really I knew what it was but I did not want to admit it, but then I had to. 

I was feeling vulnerable. 

My blog holds things in it that are apart of who I am. I am someone who has a voice that strives to encourage in a real and authentic way. I am a woman who is not quite and contained but who strives to live with integrity. I am a dreamer who paints these pages with images of what life could hold and be. I am passionate, and I fight to allow that to flow in and thought my life. Yet, I am human and I struggle with the finer details of writing, and I run away from the possibility of getting hurt. 

And I was believing that I was in the line of fire to be hurt. 

This semester has help many moments where I was... disappointed about my learning disability. It has brought up past memories of the struggles, and the fears that have come with being born with this. And finding my self once again exposed before someone who I respect and care about was pushing me over the edge. So I went into survival mode, I started pushing them away and putting up walls. 

After I came to this understanding I was left with two options: continue on the course I had started by slowly backing up and building walls, or I could once again become vulnerable... Go big or go home...

I took a breath and owned with this person that I felt my self being defensive toward them and that I was sorry, They looked at me and said something to the lines of "Well yah, you were vulnerable and so now you are overcompensating"..."well yah." They smiled, and once again I was left touched, they once again talked about my ability to write and how I have an ability to take ideas and thoughts and put them down in ways that they did not know how to. That my spelling is bad sometimes but that my thoughts are amazing and maybe my spelling is what is there to keep me humble. As they spoke I finally allowed the words they were saying to be taken in by my heart, and I was left feeling seen, honored, and grateful. 

So you maybe asking, why this blog? Why share this story?

The reason why is because I want to honor the place of my brokenness, but to also allow my self to feel the sweetness of who God is in the midst of that. I have received feedback on my writing since as long as I can remember, however I have fond my self a little more reserved here at school with my blog, it feels risky and open to more criticism and or rejection then I would possibly want.  So it felt unexpected and terrifying having my words being fond by a classmate right before my eyes, yet I was left feeling more seen and cared for in ways that I wasn't expecting. I am continually aware of the places where my faith is to small, but my God is not. That he loves me enough to show up in the little things. This semester I have had some yelling matches with God on my frustration on how hard this place is for me, how much more work I have to put in to write a simple paper, to study for a easy test. And really just the angry that was masking the sad, and lost 6 year old who did not know how to spell her name.  

So right now I feel overwhelmed by his answer. That I am both seen and heard by God in what feels like the small and stupid places. That I am not alone. And that he knows me well enough to bless me with friends who stick with me in the places where I push back. God knows that I am a relational person and so he tends to speak into me thought them, and that night it was suppose to be that specific person. 

So why am I smiling with a peace and joy that only comes from a father? Because he used a friend who matters deeply to speak into me.  

And I am left feeling grateful.

When she comes around

I am sitting and waiting. Literally I am sitting writing a paper waiting and wondering. About life, and this year and everything else in-between.
Finally my thinking was to loud for my own good so I put on spotify and was greeted by a Ben Rector song.

I was first hit by the words that he share of how he will show up when "she" comes around, which I took as him meeting the girl and he was going to show up in some amazing way, however after listening for another minute I was struck by the fact that this girl is technically coming back. For me in this moment I am taking that as she left, and has left this guy waiting. My guess is that he probably showed up poorly, and that he probably got scared and ran for a minute. But that he aware that she is back but also painfully aware of why she left. In this moment I feel stuck by this, and I am choosing to take let these words resinate with me right now. I guess I'm left wondering where I will allow my heart to maintain hope and kindness when i see that some of the men in my life have made mistakes, and if I will choose to come back and not block them out. In the past  have said no but i am fully aware that i want to hold out hope, and where i want to risk, where i want to fight, and that means coming back and knowing hurt will come, but that the risk of allowing hope to take hold of my heart feels to good to be without.