New Space

Two years ago I wrote about the women I wanted to be with the men in my life. I wrote about wanted to step into the messiness of being in relationships and where I was going to choose hope.  

This last week I was invited into a new space. This space is a response to the decision that I made two years ago to hope and it’s hard. A man in my life made a mistake and my love for this person is still ever present, but this is also a man that I had started to hope in and that hope is now gone. So I am left knowing that I need to walk away from a certain aspect for this relationship. This fact is good and healthy in light of what was hoped for but that does not mean that I am not left feeling disappointed. In light of this encounter I went back thought quotes that impact me and came across this one…

This quote was one that I found a while ago yet if feels more alive and real to me these days.

This quote along with the song from my post two years ago shakes me deep down to my core with both hesitation and hope.

I don’t believe I am ordinary if I am quite frank. There is a part of me that knows I see my reality differently than most people would. And I am no more unique than the next girl but different all the same…

So as I read this quote I am left unsure. There is a longing to believe that this man steps into the chaos and messiness of such a love however there is not end story just his raw and wonderstruck reality. 

And what feels more daunting is the life that says,

“I was afraid to fail, like the others.”

I have been failed in my life by some of the men who have walked into it. Men who I took chances to invite in. Men who I poured truth into, I fought for, and who I chose to hope in. And I wonder if and when the man who I hope for most will say these words and if he will take him self out of the game like so many have before him. I hope he wont and I also have the experience of watching my sister hold that the man she was going to marry walked away.

But just as I wonder about him I wonder about failing him. What about not hoping enough because I know I hold back in some ways. I fear that I will be too much or not enough. I wonder, but in the midst of walking into new relationship and new possibility of being hurt or loved, or seen, or left I have the chance to hope. To continue to know that probably all of my fears and wonderings will come to pass but I hear Aslan voice saying “Courage, Dear One.” And somewhere in my heart I know that I will be enough. That I will give all and that deep down I believe someone else will as well.

So tonight I sit in the tension of feeling disappointed and hurt but that hope is still alive within me, and that it’s worth fighting for.

The words in my soul tonight

Today is the end to my first week at GCU and I'm left in somewhat shock as to all that has changed in the last week. A week ago today I left my home in Michigan to move 8 states away to Arizona. And I have lots of words that are residing inside my heart; Words of gratitude, loss, joy, celebration, disappointment, curiosity, hope and others. But I don't know if I am ready to say all these words so I'm going to share words that are a few of my favorite quotes that I found thanks to pinterest and they all resonated with me tonight.

I am sure that there is a blog post that I could give for each of these and one day I may, but tonight I'm just letting them stir my soul and my desires for life. 

Grace for the worst in me.....

I am a Bitch.

Now I type that knowing that I have just started off this blog on a very harsh, and rather shocking manor. Please let me expand on this statement by saying I am not in a place of self-harm nor am I in a state where I am spiraling in an unhealthy way. This stamen was prompted by a beautiful piece of literature by Jan Meyers Proett. Jan is one of my new favorite authors. What started my respect and enjoyment of her writing was with her contributing to an online magazine called Red Tent Living. Jan's words of honesty and truth are utterly refreshing and hopeful. Through these posts I found my self-picking up her book called Beauty and the Bitch- Grace for the worst in me.

This book expands on the fact that each woman holds two realties in her that she chooses to live out of. One is based in beauty where each woman allows her self to be impactful and impacted in beautiful and vulnerable ways. The other is a state of self-protection that is know as the bitch. This part of the women seeks to protect and control in the worst ways. This is where past hurts and disappoints reside. Women have the opportunity to choose one or the other, however there are very different outcomes to each choice.

As I was reading today I found an excerpt that left me.... well just read for your self…

"God wants your heart. The bitch wants you protected. God is not concerned that you clean up your lavish spending habits or bringing in secrets as much as he longs for you to bring to him your tender ache, confusion, and pain over your unmet desires. The bitch will make sure you never let the tender ache surface"

I have chosen to be the bitch in a few places this summer. She has fought to suppress the ache and pain that has come throughout these warm summer days. This realization was hard to come to grips with, and you can somewhat see it in my last blog post. I had a plan however it is no longer my plan and my unfortunate need for control is freaking out underneath my surface because I cannot control over what is next. As I kept reading I found my pencil underling most of the content located on the next few pages.

Jan continues by speaks about dreaming and how there is no guarantee. She talks about how the bitch "sneers at our desperate longing and mocks it calling it weak and foolish". She then quotes Sharon Hersh who says, "Redemption does not mean that God meets out needs and then our souls stop longing. No, redemption dose not eradicate desperation. Instead, redemption allows us to surrender." To surrender means letting go of our plans and control. We surrender our plans and our longing to alter the really that we are in. "We are asking the bitch to step aside, telling her we understand why she is so scared, hurt and anger, but that her service of self- protection are no longer needed. We open our grip and allow both desire and the suffering from unmet desires to be real." Our longings do not leave however we make a choice to follow after God. To let him lead us to the places he has for us. And we rest in the fact that there is nothing God wants for us to do except to just come. To bring all of who we are to him.

My longing to have a master's in bible and theology, my longing to be in a relationship, my longing to have fellowship with my amazing friends, my longing to keep discovering Chicago, my longing to only be a few hours away from my home, my love and wonder of snow that dances in the winter, my heart for Moody and Chicago, these are all so glorious and i find that my heart is holding all of them.

Gerald May says-

"If our choice of God is to be made with integrity we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them our gods. True love then, is not only born of freedom; it is also born of difficult choice. A mature and meaningful love must say something like, ' I have experienced other goddesses, and they are beautiful, but it is You, my true heart's desire, whom I choose above all."

I have found that my love for my God and the deep desire to glorify him in all I say and do is so much greater than those listed about. However, with that understanding I am left feeling vulnerable and afraid that he is not going to be who he says he is, what he does not care enough and there in disappointment is waiting for me if I let go of my longing listed about and fully live out of God love for me.  God loves all the desires I have listed and those that I have held back from writing on this page, but redemption does not mean that what I long for will stop existing, my redemption means that God will provide and love me. I can be curious about what those longing will turn into or hold for me.

For the first time I am finally saying that I want to be in Arizona, I want to work at the college that I am interviewing with, I want to be part of that amazing community and the life giving attester that exists there. This feels huge to me, because by vocalizing the desire of my heart I am opening up my self to the possibility of being very disappointed if rejection comes. It feels risky to have this much hope, especially with the knowledge that I could be doing the exact job that I want to be doing my first year out of college. This possibility would put me in like a 5% grouping of college graduates.

I need redemption. I need to stay present in remembering that God has a plan. And yet I am so unsure as to what is next. So the bitch and the beauty are battling everyday for control but tonight I am choosing beauty.

Life at June 25

There have been 7 drafts’ that have been started since my last post but as you can see they have not found my page yet. I'm not really sure what I want to share right now. I think that is the reason that none of those posts have been published yet. All the words that have been written on them are true but none fully articulate what it is that I am feeling. One of the main phrases that I have used this summer is "I don't know what I want." This sentence is not one that I have felt like has ever really made its way as deep into my heart as it has this summer. For the last 18 years I have known what was coming after every summer. However that is no longer the case. 10 weeks ago I would have said it was, 10 weeks ago I thought that I would be in England by this time, I thought that I would be pursuing my Masters in Biblical and Theological Study from Moody, I thought that I would be living another year in Chicago loving it more and more each day, and continuing to be a student. 

And then life flipped on me. So as I finished out my senior year and looked toward what was next I was hit with the fact that I did not know what I wanted. I know who I am, and I know that I want to work with college students. 

I started looking at jobs within that field. So I researched Resident Director, Resident Supervisor, and Student Affairs Director, really anything that would get me on a college campus. But I also know that I am good at planning events and started looking at positions that would allow me to be able to do something that I enjoy doing while being in a place that would allow me to work with students. So then I looked at event planning jobs in places like Grand Rapids, Ann Arbor, and Chicago. These are all places that have churches that I know are thriving that have a student ministry that I could plug in with. 

As I read over the last three paragraphs I see facts and information but I don't see my heart, I don't see what is real. So here It is....

I got a call today from my first choice job. It’s a RD position at a thriving school. The call was a basic interview, and was over after about 15 minutes. Less then 3 hours latter I got another call from them asking me for a second interview. I was super excited, and this job is in Arizona. I really want it and if I am being honest its not Chicago which is a good thing and a hard thing. I never would have believed that I could fall in love with a city, especially not that city but I love it. And I was introduced to a church that I loved in it. So I want to move, I’m ready to be somewhere else, I want my adventure and I will miss Chicago if I move.  

I'm going to miss Moody. As dysfunctional as it can be, I love that school. I loved my job, I loved my team, I loved my floor, and just my life as a whole. I had a great two and a half years, I had adventures, I had my special spots, I had my entire life there and so leaving has felt hard. But it feels especially hard knowing that all my friends are going back and knowing that a few of them have told me that they want me to get a job in Chicago. 

So I know that this is not a huge update but this is where I am at on June 25, 2014. I have no idea what is next and I hate that. And I wish that I could fully love one place over another so I could stop feeling so torn. My heart still bleeds for Chicago and part of it just wants to be with the people that I care about in a city that is home, but my head knows that I want to work with students and the place in Arizona is the perfect job for me and it’s what I want to be doing. So it all feels messy, but then again I know that means that I am feeling everything thing that I should be feeling and that it means that Gods going to bless me where ever I go.

So this is not my finest post and I am ok with that. It reflects my ambivalence and sacredness right now in the midst of my crazy life. If you are reading this I just want to say that I am glad that you are still with me, I am grateful.    

The worst version of my self

I feel like I have the ability to become the worst version of my self today. I don’t know where it totally started but the power of it is crippling.

I wrote this a while back and it feels like it is rather true right now. I have found that the worst version of yourself is based out of a place of fear. It's the walls that you through up to protect your self. Its where you make someone pay for the brokenness, the hurt, and the fear that is taking root in you heart. 

I am broken, i am hurting, and i have lots of fear. 

I made someone pay tonight. I felt my hurt start flaring up like a blister, that teamed with my fear of being inadequate, unreliable,  and not worthy to be a leader or someones first choice allow my worst self come out. I believe that this person is about 14 years old. She is vicious and ruthless. She has slick brown hair that is in a overly tight ponytail at the nape of her neck. She wears a over sized black sweat shirt, and light washed jeans. She is covered in stains from past battles that she wears as trophies of where she "vanquish" her foes. Her pockets are filled with knives, broken glass, and really any sharp object that can piece skin to draw blood. Which causes more pain to her then those she fights, however she has become numb to the countless battles and blood that has been lost because of her. She choose to be alone so someone else wont choose not to be with her. The knives keep her safe and guarded from hoping, and being taken advantage of. 

She showed up and immediately pushed anything that had to do with my brokenness, hurt, pain, kindness, grace, or really any human characteristics back behind a huge wall, where it was still apparent but you had to look really hard for it. I was on high alert and no one was going to get to me, especially to my heart. 

I am aware that it's through our brokenness that Christ is seen brightest. But Jesus was allowed no where near my heart or close to this person tonight. This friend did not get to see Christ thought me, they were attacked and blood was drawn. I physically found my self standing looking down at this person swearing in my mind that I would make them pay. There was no grace, there was no care, there was no forgiveness. And after the blood was taken I felt the shift change in the room, it was not till this person left that I felt the disappointment that was hanging in the air. I was making this person pay for hurt that is connected with them, but also messages of pain from lies that I have lived for so many years of my life. Messages like how I will always be inadequate, and how stupid, and naive I am, how I'm undesirable, and so on. I know what is true yet I allowed these lies to enter in and my worst version of my self channeled all that anger and pain toward this person sitting across from me. After all this version of my self is the main recipient and believer of these lies so why would she hold back? The pain of these messages hits her harder then any other part of me and so I chose not to hold on to truth and feel all that was going on with me, but rather I shoved all my hurt and anger onto a rather innocent bystander who was just sitting in the room. 

This girl is one of the most broken parts of my story. It's ironic that what would save her is the one thing that she makes sure is hidden behind that wall. It's the brokenness that we share that would allow her to experience life. In my brokenness Jesus is most apparent and he is waiting for me to rest with him there. What this very young girl needs is just to be held and told that everything is going to be ok. I feel like my words can not fully cover the gravity of the brokenness of this girl and the need for Jesus to just be with her. So I'm left in a empty room. My friend has gone (as they should have after what I said), and I am left with my brokenness. And as much as I want to hid and fully cover my self in the shame that is around me, I am aware that I have the opportunity to come back but that feels really hard. I get to choose how I'm going to show up now that I have failed.... will I try and justify my self and stay at arms length from everyone I care about, or will I allow my self to ask for forgiveness and be broken.  

I have two places that Jesus was very kind to me this past week that are helping me in this space; the first is that I meet with the professor who supervised my trip to the Czech Republic. He gave me truth that feels really impactful right now. He first talked about my heart and how my ability to love is from God, but he went on to speak about how i have the ability to allow fear to take hold of it. I have to choose to fight for my joy, and not to allow fear to take hold. I let fear take hold of me tonight and it cost me. I care about this friend and I totally went at them. I drew blood not because I was a stronger or a better fighter, but because i was scared and I wanted to feel better about my life. And I am really regretting not holding onto the kindness that i could have shown to my self and then in the midst of figuring out all that i am holding. 

The second place that Jesus is with me was with tonight sermon. It was about Lazarus and where we all experience places where we need Jesus to awaken and bring new life to the places where we have deadened ourselves. I said some really terrible things tonight. And i have deadened the place that someone will be with me. I am numb in a lot of places, but one really big one for me is that if someone does not first know my family they will not stick with me, or after they meet them i will be come second best. I am scared that i will loose this friend and that i am going to continue to get hurt by people. But i know that having people who truly know me is worth getting hurt over. I know that this friend has caused some hurt but there is no way that they ever meant to hurt me on purpose, and even thought they are starting to know my family they still care about me. They are trying to keep our friendship alive and i attacked out of fear. I need Jesus to redeem my broken state, to allow me to believe that i am worth having as a friend and that people will fight to be with me. I have to be redeemed from the state of having to have something not be my fault, or being right. It does not really matter who is right or wrong, or who's fault it is. There is hurt, and pain on both sides. I need Jesus desperately in this space. 

This song feels like it is the cry of my heart tonight.....

I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Or the days to come. But I know that i have a savior who is doing a new work in me. I made a mistake, and I hope that this friend forgives me. I hope that I can be kind to the broken places inside of me. I believe that redemption can be experienced. But that requires me to make a choice, which is- How am I going to choose to show up now in this moment after my mistake, and in the moments to come?