I feel as if i leave my last post completely by its self that i will cause much alarm in you my readers. I am truly ok, just trying to live life and finding it hard to live.
I talked to one of my best friends from camp today and fond that i literally felt 10 times better after taking to her. We just sat in where life is hard for us right now, but she reminded me just how many people i have who love and support me and that i am not in this alone.
I then Skype katy, and was given a good list of ways to live, all siting at the root of trust. Trusting God that he is taking care or me.
So my dear friends. I am still struggling but i have a glimpse of hope and joy back in me tonight, and it is well in my soul.
Monday, November 29, 2010
I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed.
I have the holy spirit power.
The die has been cast.
I am a disciple if Jesus Christ.
I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed, my presence makes sense, and my future is secure.
I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, property, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.
I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.
I now live by the presence, learn by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.
My peace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my guide is releasable, my mission is clear.
I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up, until I have preached up, prayed up, stored up, and saved up for the cause of Christ.
I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.
I must go until he returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.
And when he comes to get his own.
He will have no problem recognizing me.
My color will be clear for "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.
I have passed this sigh on my kitchen cabinet everyday since I got to Spokane but I am not sure that I have ever read it till today.
I am in the mist of a fight and I feel as thought I am lost. Satan has come for my joy and he has taken in. I have go into survival mode. I don't know where God is and i find my self angry at him. Asking why. Underneath i an trebling out of fear. I don't know the next step. My logical side is screaming at me to settle. That at least i will have someone, i will be comfortable, and that life will be easy. Yet there is something in my chest however small whispering. "Hold out, don't settle, i love you and have great plans for you, trust me, hear me, follow me, love me, i am here, i do care, i am the same as the first day i meet you, the day's you where running, the days you where searching, the day where you fond me, the day where you believed, the day's you fought, the days you fond me in your hopelessness, the day's you where joy fill, the days of waiting, the days of anticipation, the days of loneliness, and this day. The day you question where i am, and if i care. The day where you ask why this. The day you ask how much are you going to ask me for. Oh on this day i an even closer than you can fathom. On this day along with every other day i am with you. Hold out my love, i have so much for you, believe, fight for life, but know i am God."
I believe.
Just please be near me. Father i need you to be near to me tonight.
I have the holy spirit power.
The die has been cast.
I am a disciple if Jesus Christ.
I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed, my presence makes sense, and my future is secure.
I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, property, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.
I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.
I now live by the presence, learn by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.
My peace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my guide is releasable, my mission is clear.
I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up, until I have preached up, prayed up, stored up, and saved up for the cause of Christ.
I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.
I must go until he returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.
And when he comes to get his own.
He will have no problem recognizing me.
My color will be clear for "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.
I have passed this sigh on my kitchen cabinet everyday since I got to Spokane but I am not sure that I have ever read it till today.
I am in the mist of a fight and I feel as thought I am lost. Satan has come for my joy and he has taken in. I have go into survival mode. I don't know where God is and i find my self angry at him. Asking why. Underneath i an trebling out of fear. I don't know the next step. My logical side is screaming at me to settle. That at least i will have someone, i will be comfortable, and that life will be easy. Yet there is something in my chest however small whispering. "Hold out, don't settle, i love you and have great plans for you, trust me, hear me, follow me, love me, i am here, i do care, i am the same as the first day i meet you, the day's you where running, the days you where searching, the day where you fond me, the day where you believed, the day's you fought, the days you fond me in your hopelessness, the day's you where joy fill, the days of waiting, the days of anticipation, the days of loneliness, and this day. The day you question where i am, and if i care. The day where you ask why this. The day you ask how much are you going to ask me for. Oh on this day i an even closer than you can fathom. On this day along with every other day i am with you. Hold out my love, i have so much for you, believe, fight for life, but know i am God."
I believe.
Just please be near me. Father i need you to be near to me tonight.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Reflection
On my last day of being 18 i have really been thinking about what this year has held, and then i thought about what it held for others. So i went to your blogs and this is what i found. I wrote what happened and then took my favorite part of the blog and posted it.
Katy had decided to become a writer instead of a doctor.
"But then some words from my dad came back to my mind: "I hope that you will always take the path that requires the most faith."
And then I remembered who I was and that my path has always been anything but ordinary. I began to drink in the dream I had vocalized to my adviser, that quiet and delicate dream. I began to breathe the colors of my soul into it, feeling it fully. Why should I confine myself to the precedents set for the ordinary graduate student? I realized in that moment that there are so many beautiful turns left in my story, so many unknown adventures. So, I am going to adamantly pursue a path that invites me to live full of faith and I am going to laugh in disbelief at the thrills God has written into my own story, thrills beyond what I had originally imagined."
Tim gave his readers a invitation.
"He described looking around his home and taking note of the neat artwork he had hung and realizing that he had to personal photographs to bear witness to the adventures he had lived. In this book, that was one of several indicators that he ought to get out and start living some better stories.
I want to fill my wall with stories. I want you to fill my wall with stories of places we have gone, adventures we have lived, and the things we have celebrated. I want photographic evidence that you and I are taking risks and walking this road together.
Yes, consider this an invitation."
Mom was at SALTS again.
(Posted on October 8 right before she left.)
"One more time I am getting out my suitcase.
One more time I am trying to get everyone's laundry done before I leave.
One more time I am making schedules and taping them to the cabinets in the kitchen for all to see.
One more time I am making up menus for my family.
One more time I am trying to anticipate what everyone will need while I am away.
One more time I am 23 hours from departure and feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to happen.
One more time I am heading to Michigan to help with SALT's
One more time I am gathering my materials for what I will be teaching.
One more time Mark and I are fighting against the evil that would rob us of the beauty coming as we teach together and make this trip together.
One more time I am struck with God's grace and pursuit of my heart.
One more time I am mindful of those who have poured themselves into me empowering me to do what God has called and gifted me to do.
One more time I am remembering when my journey of hope began.
One more time I am imagining the shores of Lake Michigan.
One more time I am aware that I have been Seized by Hope."
B was taking care of the little girls which means that she had no time to write but she was blessing me immensely.
Libby looked at the feeling of things becoming old.
"I’ve found that when old things become new, it is much sweeter, much richer of an experience than something that’s just new. Because despite their great potential for being used, boring, tired, stale, and monotonous, old things have character. What they lack in excitement, they can make for in durability and comfort. But all old things need to be restored over time—amidst their cracks and scars and scratches and dents, they need some newness added back into them—and it seems that the best kind of “new” can be found in the “old.” And I know that if God is as concerned with newness as He says He is, then there is plenty of opportunity for renewal and restoration in my relationship with Him and His church…and I’m starting to think that I’m desperately ready for this."
Danny found a way of living with reflecting thought music, swimming laps, and reading poetry. (written on Oct. 8th)
"i brought my journals back with me, from home, upon returning to austin on sunday. i enjoy reading through where i've been. its like i keep a summary of my life in my head, but i forget the richness of my story, the places God has led me and kept me guessing, dreaming, hoping, rejoicing, agonizing, crying, crying out, learning, wondering."
Tom was living.
And i was deciding to create my own blog.
My friends its been a year and life has moved fast. I hope this next year is filled with as many amazing memories. Thank you for writing and giving me something to say today. :)
Katy had decided to become a writer instead of a doctor.
"But then some words from my dad came back to my mind: "I hope that you will always take the path that requires the most faith."
And then I remembered who I was and that my path has always been anything but ordinary. I began to drink in the dream I had vocalized to my adviser, that quiet and delicate dream. I began to breathe the colors of my soul into it, feeling it fully. Why should I confine myself to the precedents set for the ordinary graduate student? I realized in that moment that there are so many beautiful turns left in my story, so many unknown adventures. So, I am going to adamantly pursue a path that invites me to live full of faith and I am going to laugh in disbelief at the thrills God has written into my own story, thrills beyond what I had originally imagined."
Tim gave his readers a invitation.
"He described looking around his home and taking note of the neat artwork he had hung and realizing that he had to personal photographs to bear witness to the adventures he had lived. In this book, that was one of several indicators that he ought to get out and start living some better stories.
I want to fill my wall with stories. I want you to fill my wall with stories of places we have gone, adventures we have lived, and the things we have celebrated. I want photographic evidence that you and I are taking risks and walking this road together.
Yes, consider this an invitation."
Mom was at SALTS again.
(Posted on October 8 right before she left.)
"One more time I am getting out my suitcase.
One more time I am trying to get everyone's laundry done before I leave.
One more time I am making schedules and taping them to the cabinets in the kitchen for all to see.
One more time I am making up menus for my family.
One more time I am trying to anticipate what everyone will need while I am away.
One more time I am 23 hours from departure and feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to happen.
One more time I am heading to Michigan to help with SALT's
One more time I am gathering my materials for what I will be teaching.
One more time Mark and I are fighting against the evil that would rob us of the beauty coming as we teach together and make this trip together.
One more time I am struck with God's grace and pursuit of my heart.
One more time I am mindful of those who have poured themselves into me empowering me to do what God has called and gifted me to do.
One more time I am remembering when my journey of hope began.
One more time I am imagining the shores of Lake Michigan.
One more time I am aware that I have been Seized by Hope."
B was taking care of the little girls which means that she had no time to write but she was blessing me immensely.
Libby looked at the feeling of things becoming old.
"I’ve found that when old things become new, it is much sweeter, much richer of an experience than something that’s just new. Because despite their great potential for being used, boring, tired, stale, and monotonous, old things have character. What they lack in excitement, they can make for in durability and comfort. But all old things need to be restored over time—amidst their cracks and scars and scratches and dents, they need some newness added back into them—and it seems that the best kind of “new” can be found in the “old.” And I know that if God is as concerned with newness as He says He is, then there is plenty of opportunity for renewal and restoration in my relationship with Him and His church…and I’m starting to think that I’m desperately ready for this."
Danny found a way of living with reflecting thought music, swimming laps, and reading poetry. (written on Oct. 8th)
"i brought my journals back with me, from home, upon returning to austin on sunday. i enjoy reading through where i've been. its like i keep a summary of my life in my head, but i forget the richness of my story, the places God has led me and kept me guessing, dreaming, hoping, rejoicing, agonizing, crying, crying out, learning, wondering."
Tom was living.
And i was deciding to create my own blog.
My friends its been a year and life has moved fast. I hope this next year is filled with as many amazing memories. Thank you for writing and giving me something to say today. :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Frist day of real college
I have come to the conclusion that my homework is still going to be around after i finish this blog so i can wright and be ok with putting it off for a wail. Today held my first real college day with K's definition or it. I had a freak out this morning. Which i fond most unfortunate because tuesdays should be my relax day.
The first part of my freak out happened at a unholy hour of the morning where i found my self waking up from a nightmare and could not go back to bed because a part of the dream was that i had not checked into class the day before so i would have an absence in that class. As i started to think the thought of oh it was only a dream i realized it was totally true. This would be the second time i had done this IN A WEEK!!! Are you freaking kidding me?
My next episode happened about 4 hours latter when i woke up from my half slumber to my roommates alarm'S(yes this S is suppose to be capitalized) and was excited about the fact that i did not have to get up because it was tuesday, but wait i was suppose to have a meeting with my college writing prof last week on tuesday........ and she could not do it.........SNAP! I HAVE A MEETING WITH MY PROF!!!!!! I knew i had luckily fixed my paper already which was the point of the meeting yet i was not ready. So i made my coffee and breakfast and ate wail checking over the paper one more time for sure, wail waiting for my roommate to get out of the bathroom so i could get in and get ready.
I jumped into the bathroom and worked on how i was going to fix my absence problem again. Time did not allow me to blow dry my hair because i still wanted to look over my notes for a quiz that would take place in an hour and a half. Which brings us to part three, my binder held everything but my homework due that day. WHERE IS THAT PAPER!?! I thought i had done it...... had i forgotten.....surly not.......I'll just print it again, i have time.......Wait its not in my folder......AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I AM SO SCREWED!!!!! ........Documents...... maybe i forgot to save it in that folder........where is it......NO!!, wait YES!!!!!! as i thought my hands in the air, victory was mine. i pressed print.
Ok, 8 min. before my meeting. I thought my binder in my backpack and ran to my meeting. I got there just in time and discussed everything i need to with my profs. Check ok now to McMath's office to face my absence. I was about to see if my practice talk with my self and the bathroom mirror was about to pay off. I knocked and poked my head into the open doorway. Him and another one of my profs were in there talking. I was welcomed in and put on a clammy yet somewhat clam smile and asked how both where doing. They smiled and said fine. And McMath asked how he could help me. I said that i had made the same mistake that i had last week and forgotten to sign into class. He smiled and walked to a cabinet with a stack of papers on top of it. He asked my name and a wave of relief came across me. I said Allison Johnson. He found my name and the paper and market it off. He then told me that he knew it was hard to remember sometimes and that i should not freak out. He then smiled in a way that told me, "yah you are not very good at hiding behind that smile." I then laughed and listened to him tell me that part of the learning process is that ever teacher will assign to much work, and you will feel overwhelmed. But they are helping us learn to breath and manage a lot at once. I smiled for real, took a breath and thanked him again. I left his office laughing at how much i was freaking out only half an hour earlier. I looked at my watch and saw that i had 30 min. left to study for my quiz that i had not been able to. I called Kaje on my way to study and laughed about my day with her for a little bit, then studied for class.
I am breathing now and laughing at how a small prayer i prayed paid off in such a small time. God took everything and made it so simple. It was a long day but it was epic. And i am looking forward to breathing and watching gLee tonight. :)
The first part of my freak out happened at a unholy hour of the morning where i found my self waking up from a nightmare and could not go back to bed because a part of the dream was that i had not checked into class the day before so i would have an absence in that class. As i started to think the thought of oh it was only a dream i realized it was totally true. This would be the second time i had done this IN A WEEK!!! Are you freaking kidding me?
My next episode happened about 4 hours latter when i woke up from my half slumber to my roommates alarm'S(yes this S is suppose to be capitalized) and was excited about the fact that i did not have to get up because it was tuesday, but wait i was suppose to have a meeting with my college writing prof last week on tuesday........ and she could not do it.........SNAP! I HAVE A MEETING WITH MY PROF!!!!!! I knew i had luckily fixed my paper already which was the point of the meeting yet i was not ready. So i made my coffee and breakfast and ate wail checking over the paper one more time for sure, wail waiting for my roommate to get out of the bathroom so i could get in and get ready.
I jumped into the bathroom and worked on how i was going to fix my absence problem again. Time did not allow me to blow dry my hair because i still wanted to look over my notes for a quiz that would take place in an hour and a half. Which brings us to part three, my binder held everything but my homework due that day. WHERE IS THAT PAPER!?! I thought i had done it...... had i forgotten.....surly not.......I'll just print it again, i have time.......Wait its not in my folder......AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! I AM SO SCREWED!!!!! ........Documents...... maybe i forgot to save it in that folder........where is it......NO!!, wait YES!!!!!! as i thought my hands in the air, victory was mine. i pressed print.
Ok, 8 min. before my meeting. I thought my binder in my backpack and ran to my meeting. I got there just in time and discussed everything i need to with my profs. Check ok now to McMath's office to face my absence. I was about to see if my practice talk with my self and the bathroom mirror was about to pay off. I knocked and poked my head into the open doorway. Him and another one of my profs were in there talking. I was welcomed in and put on a clammy yet somewhat clam smile and asked how both where doing. They smiled and said fine. And McMath asked how he could help me. I said that i had made the same mistake that i had last week and forgotten to sign into class. He smiled and walked to a cabinet with a stack of papers on top of it. He asked my name and a wave of relief came across me. I said Allison Johnson. He found my name and the paper and market it off. He then told me that he knew it was hard to remember sometimes and that i should not freak out. He then smiled in a way that told me, "yah you are not very good at hiding behind that smile." I then laughed and listened to him tell me that part of the learning process is that ever teacher will assign to much work, and you will feel overwhelmed. But they are helping us learn to breath and manage a lot at once. I smiled for real, took a breath and thanked him again. I left his office laughing at how much i was freaking out only half an hour earlier. I looked at my watch and saw that i had 30 min. left to study for my quiz that i had not been able to. I called Kaje on my way to study and laughed about my day with her for a little bit, then studied for class.
I am breathing now and laughing at how a small prayer i prayed paid off in such a small time. God took everything and made it so simple. It was a long day but it was epic. And i am looking forward to breathing and watching gLee tonight. :)
Saturday, September 25, 2010
A small part of me......
Have you ever had a part of you that you did not show anyone. That it was filled with things that were so innocent, and young that it turned you into the 7 year old that you truly are. Well i do. This wondrous part of me i have not really shone to anyone. And what makes it so magical it that it open's up at certain times with out warning. My places has many keys in unlocking what magical dreams lie with in it. And one of the keys was found.
I love star wars. It is one of my favorite things about growing up. Its one of the childish things that i always think of my dad when i hear the name. I have been remembering some of the star wars movies, by watching them in order of when they where made. There is a room filled with these secrets in my place but this is not what this blog is about. this was the first half of our key. But the whole key is what i am writing about today. So i was already feeling like a kid again when me and my roommates started talking about halloween and memories we have. One of them talked about her favorite costumes and asked about mine. I have a few that come to mind but only one stands out among the other's.
I saw a movie that was absolutely amazing. It was called Arabian Knight. And i market it as my favorite movie. When we were living in portland my grandma asked what i wanted to be for halloween. I picked the princess from this movie. Her name was princess yumyum. And it was the best costume i ever had. The movie stayed my favorite and one of the memories that goes with it is when we had just moved to San Antonio for the second time. At the time we where living in a house that was owned by Wayside. But anyway i got really sick and had to stay at home for a couple days. But i did not have anything to really do but watch TV, So dad drove me to blockbuster and i fond this movie hidden in the rows. I light up and said i only wanting to get that one. When we got home i put it in and drank my awful coke and ate my sateen crackers. I watched that movie every day for like 5 days.
But just talking about halloween brought out this memory. And i went in serch of the name of the movie. After a long search i fond it and looked on youtube where the whole movie is there just cut into small parts. :) It made my day so i started watching it and plan on finishing it tomorrow. :) But i just am so excited to have upend this door. I can honestly say that i was not expecting it but i feel like i am 8 again. :) I know that there are spelling and grammar mistake in this but i really just want to let it stand. I feel like it adds to the idea. And the point of this post was that i wanted to be vulnerable and share this small part of me that you may not know not be 100% right grammatically.
I love star wars. It is one of my favorite things about growing up. Its one of the childish things that i always think of my dad when i hear the name. I have been remembering some of the star wars movies, by watching them in order of when they where made. There is a room filled with these secrets in my place but this is not what this blog is about. this was the first half of our key. But the whole key is what i am writing about today. So i was already feeling like a kid again when me and my roommates started talking about halloween and memories we have. One of them talked about her favorite costumes and asked about mine. I have a few that come to mind but only one stands out among the other's.
I saw a movie that was absolutely amazing. It was called Arabian Knight. And i market it as my favorite movie. When we were living in portland my grandma asked what i wanted to be for halloween. I picked the princess from this movie. Her name was princess yumyum. And it was the best costume i ever had. The movie stayed my favorite and one of the memories that goes with it is when we had just moved to San Antonio for the second time. At the time we where living in a house that was owned by Wayside. But anyway i got really sick and had to stay at home for a couple days. But i did not have anything to really do but watch TV, So dad drove me to blockbuster and i fond this movie hidden in the rows. I light up and said i only wanting to get that one. When we got home i put it in and drank my awful coke and ate my sateen crackers. I watched that movie every day for like 5 days.
But just talking about halloween brought out this memory. And i went in serch of the name of the movie. After a long search i fond it and looked on youtube where the whole movie is there just cut into small parts. :) It made my day so i started watching it and plan on finishing it tomorrow. :) But i just am so excited to have upend this door. I can honestly say that i was not expecting it but i feel like i am 8 again. :) I know that there are spelling and grammar mistake in this but i really just want to let it stand. I feel like it adds to the idea. And the point of this post was that i wanted to be vulnerable and share this small part of me that you may not know not be 100% right grammatically.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Spectacular in Spokane
So last night me and my roommates had an amazing movie night. We ordered pizza, ate amazing cupcakes and watched both When in Roma, and My sassy girl. It was soooo much fun and now that i have awoken from my pizza coma, and convinced my self to go for a long run to get back into shape, i think that i can type.
I am one week in to my first semester of my freshman year. And 15 and a half weeks away from home where ever that is going to be. But I fond my self just wonder what these next couple of weeks will hold. My list so far of for sure's are.......
Coffee
Walks
Frustration
Reading
Papers
Library dates at several different universe's
Calls to home
Emails on papers
READING!!!!
Coffee
and last but not least the bible
But i thought of just how much i have no idea what it will hold. I have no idea what God is going to do in my life. I don't know that i am going to be here long but i an loving just not knowing. Many of my peers have already started filling out a transfer application to the chicago campus and it dose not make since to me. God put all of us here for a reason, and i am going to live out of that for right now. Now granite i have said and will go by this point, that if i feel God calling me to Chicago that's the day that i will fill out the application. But i love where i am. I weather, the classes, the environment, And just the city. The pace in which it moves. THe ways that its build. It's just so me. :) So right now i am Spectacular in Spokane.
I am one week in to my first semester of my freshman year. And 15 and a half weeks away from home where ever that is going to be. But I fond my self just wonder what these next couple of weeks will hold. My list so far of for sure's are.......
Coffee
Walks
Frustration
Reading
Papers
Library dates at several different universe's
Calls to home
Emails on papers
READING!!!!
Coffee
and last but not least the bible
But i thought of just how much i have no idea what it will hold. I have no idea what God is going to do in my life. I don't know that i am going to be here long but i an loving just not knowing. Many of my peers have already started filling out a transfer application to the chicago campus and it dose not make since to me. God put all of us here for a reason, and i am going to live out of that for right now. Now granite i have said and will go by this point, that if i feel God calling me to Chicago that's the day that i will fill out the application. But i love where i am. I weather, the classes, the environment, And just the city. The pace in which it moves. THe ways that its build. It's just so me. :) So right now i am Spectacular in Spokane.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
First of first
I feel unable to come up with lots of words right now, but life has been very full and amazing. :)
I finished my first week of my freshman year, hurray!!!
I am so excited for all of my classes and what is happening here. This town suits me soooooo much. I love the way its set up and just the atmosphere of it. But i am aware of what i don't have here, and how its going to be hard at some points. But i am learning so much more about me. The person that i am going to be...... well it feels like the person that i am really going to be is going to form here. Or at least a big part of it will. :) SO i am really tired and i am off to sleep. :)
PS i will be more insightful with more rest.
I finished my first week of my freshman year, hurray!!!
I am so excited for all of my classes and what is happening here. This town suits me soooooo much. I love the way its set up and just the atmosphere of it. But i am aware of what i don't have here, and how its going to be hard at some points. But i am learning so much more about me. The person that i am going to be...... well it feels like the person that i am really going to be is going to form here. Or at least a big part of it will. :) SO i am really tired and i am off to sleep. :)
PS i will be more insightful with more rest.
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