Monet

Paint, a brush, and a blank canvas. These are parts of my soul that I can't explain. The longing to create is sering very deeply in me today. Paper after paper I wright and create but its not the same. The silk of the paint toughing the canvas for the first time is the first drops of a spring rain hitting my dry soul. The art of creating something form nothing is unlike anything i could try and describe. So instead I will try and show you.

My favorite artist i think of all time is Cluade Monet. His entire career focused on light. It is breath taking. What a wonderful understanding of how light changes everything. And i could go into a "Jesus Juke" but i really don't feel up for it tonight. So instead here are some of my favorite paintings from Monet.














There is something about his painting that brings me so much Joy. (So here is my Christian reference) I wounder if that is how God feel about us, only its his work not anyone else. I feel closer to God for some reason when i paint, i am also much more protective of my art than really anything else. I don't like to show people my deep. deep meaningful work. I don't know why this is but it was what i wanted to say today.

I know leave you with this quote from my other favorite artist and a question......

I dream of painting and then I paint my dream.
Vincent Van Gogh

If this statement is true for u all then what do you paint?

Valentine's day

So valintines day was yesertday and like the majoraty of singles out there i spent it calling in singles awareness day and ate the chocolate hearts that my grandmother sent to me. However i was not longing to be with anyone. I have fond that i am quite content being single which i like. I spent the day walking around in my epic outfit of awesomeness which was my ruffled blue dress, my gray sweater, leggings and flats. I went to class and then spent the rest of the day with my friends working on homework, talking, and dancing around. I really enjoyed it. There is a longing in me to find my husband but right now i am enjoying what my singled life will look like. After I'm married i am hoping never be single again. I only get one shot at this part of my life so why would i spend it sitting around waiting for my husband, am i not to live until he has come into my life? I certainly hope not. But as me and my friends where talking we listened to music and i discovered this music video which i hope to be a part of my life latter down the road, but i just enjoy dancing to it right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=840NbiFF1zM
(I tried posting this with my blog but it did not work so you have to follow the link)

My Waiting Companions

This post is going now where and somewhere at the same time. I have so many thing's playing out in my heart and in my head.

I think of Lib. About what her and chris are going though. Of the fear and nervously that is taking place in there lives. Of bring another child into the world only this child calls home a much different place right now. I think of the courage, strength, and love that this little boy will get to have soon enough. But i am crying for his story right now, wishing that those multiple 3 month increments would not have to happen. Wishing i could do something.

I think of Katy. With her waiting. Waiting for her letter from Grad school. But of living. By singing, studying, and helping me though my mental break downs every week. ; But just really waiting to have a knowledge of what is next for her.

I think of B. Of what God has her and D at. With not knowing what is next in there family and just lives.

I think of what will come for me. I am in the middle of waiting to hear from Moody, Saints Bible Institute, and just wondering what life will look like in a month.

We are all waiting. Waiting on God for what is next, what surprises are coming toward us. Where we are going to be living in the next couple years, what are husbands are going to be doing, for two of us when are our husbands going to show up. :) But I love knowing that i am not alone in this part of my life. We all have mom, Mrs. Tracy Johnson, and we have each other to love and support in our times of waiting and hoping. I know that there are many people who are a part of my life and that support me but these women have been a part of my life for the longest and have helped me grown in so many ways.

I guess what i am trying to say is jut thank you my lovely friends for being with me on my muddy journey. And thank you for reminding me that i am not alone in my waiting.

Have you ever had the mental dilemma of looking at the ground and seeing a very familiar, unique, red liquid on the ground and look all over the place trying to find the source and them saying to your self.... "oh shit that's my blood." I am having that feeling right now. I have been in a place where i am using a line from grey's anatomy where Bailey tells her ex- husband that she is only composed of tape and glue and all her energy is being put toured that effort. And that she has no energy to share away from just keeping her self together with the glue and the tape. Right now all that is hold me together is tape and glue and the all came undone. The over coming numbness is engulfing me right now. I am broken and i guess that is a good thing. Because there is no where to go but up. I just got deferred on my acceptance letter. I will now not find out till April if i get in to moody. And hell yes there will be getting a call from my bright and early Monday morning. But still I am in a really gross place. I know have to decide if i an even going to go back to Spokane. Why could my life just be easy on this one park. Oh because that would be to convenient. Look i really am ok. In a shit fest, yes, but am i going to do something reckless well not likely. But still this really sucks. So i am ok, this post was just to let you know what y moody letter said. And i will be calling some of you but I am not in the mode right now. Love you,
AL

I am coming back..... slowly

I hate beginning blogs after i have spent a lot of time way. This is my third time trying to wright something to start this blog. And like the fiftieth blog that i have started on break. I just never finished any of the other blogs. (I did not edit this post cause i don't have time, but i want to post it anyway)

I have slowly been reappearing in my life. I kinda left for a wail and feel like i may be here once again. But i am still working on that. As i picked up my journal today I fond that it had collected much more dirt than thoughts and words over this break. I open up to a empty page and started wighting. It felt natural and good to just start and kinda allow my mind to word vomit with out really thinking. To let go and just wright. In the few minutes that it took me to say what i wanted to say it held my more understanding and insight then i thought would. here it is......

Dear friend,

It has been a wail and i can i=understand how blank and with out your pages have been. The ink in my pen had run out and been dry. Screaming to be used. Begging to live. To be the tool that would say beautiful and wonderful things. It do what it was meant to do. I can understand this because it is a reflection of my life. Empty sheets passed by. Wighting a story yet getting lost wail conducting it. Loosing a part of me along the way. I wonder if I stopped wighting and left these pages bare because i did not want what my life was looking like, and did not want where i was to be a part of my story. If by keeping them blank i would allow my self to not have to take ownership or acceptance that this was and is my life right now. By hiding my words from my journal i would hopefully look past this last few month and the next few and forget, and live with out them. I could hid for this very idea. Because this was different for my plan, from what my life was "suppose" to look like. But here i am once again knowing that I was wrong and that this is part of my life and i am still here. My life is not over and i have decided to life in it. To stay present and to trust.

I feel like i can be me. Which is a first in a wail. This semester just held a lot more than i thought it would. I lost my priorities and got caught up on hard things that were unexpected. But i am here am i am ok. So I am trusting God, listening to David Crowders Church Music, discovering Kalamazoo, and waiting for my moody chicago letter which is coming in one week. But i am still here and i hope that you my readers stay with me still on my muddy journey. :) I love you all very much.

A Week

I am going into what feels like its going to be the hardest week and a half of school. And I have recently brought the best song ever that feels like it totally speaks to me durning this week. I totally love it. But I have recognized sense being at moody that I am really quite around most of my friends because I don't know them very well, but my best friend up here is my roommate Hannah and she knows all to well who I really am, so we have been laughing at the fact that if any one else heard this song they would freak out. I have learned that oh yes I am much more edgie than most of the students here. And truth be told it makes me happy. I am doing really well since my last post. God has been amazing and i am am just resting in each day. But i am ready for break. My plan is to ready ever harry potter book, re-read my shannon hale books, finish alice in wonderland, and four loves by the end of break. Plus discover the best cafe, and bistro's in Kalamazoo, and them get a good look at moody chicago. But i am ready to see all your bright and shinny faces. I am counting on dance party's with Bethany, Darin and Wyatt boy, going on a coffee walk with Tim, garbing coffee with Tom filled with lots of random questions and probably ending with me crying again : ), starting my bible study with Janie, visiting each of my everyone who was one of my references for chicago, and hanging out with everyone in the great state of Texas. 15th come soon.
For a amazing verse-

Psalm 42:5
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

What God has already done in 5 hours

I feel as if i leave my last post completely by its self that i will cause much alarm in you my readers. I am truly ok, just trying to live life and finding it hard to live.

I talked to one of my best friends from camp today and fond that i literally felt 10 times better after taking to her. We just sat in where life is hard for us right now, but she reminded me just how many people i have who love and support me and that i am not in this alone.

I then Skype katy, and was given a good list of ways to live, all siting at the root of trust. Trusting God that he is taking care or me.

So my dear friends. I am still struggling but i have a glimpse of hope and joy back in me tonight, and it is well in my soul.