Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel

Today is Tuesday which means that its presidents chapel so both students and faculty (1500 or so) come together to worship and listen to teaching. The dean of music started worship. And it was Come, Thou Long-Expected Jesus done wail he was playing the organ. It was pretty but received a small jump for me and then a giggle when our conductor belted out the choirs the first time.

The next song was the one that hit me deep within my soul. It was Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel, but we sang it acappella. I know that Katy and Mom have talked about this being sung in Church on Sunday and being aware of where they were "rescued" from that longing and outcry in their hearts, however this is not the way that it was song today. It was beautiful and yet piercingly painful. With one voice I experienced the body coming together to sing out a plea of rescue of Christ return. For the first time I saw out a cry that was not only song (metaphorically because the Latin hymn was not written till the 12th cent) before Christ came for the first time but now in my broken world I am sing out "O come oh come Emmanuel......and drive away the shades of night; and pierce the clouds and bring us light."

God with us, Emmanuel come soon, come and rescues us from the brokenness from my life that is not complete and that is still longing to be home. Come Emmanuel for I wait the day that I will see your face for the first time and feel your embrace. To feel you fully. I long for home. I long for your presence, and I long to be made complete. 

So come Emmanuel and bring your peace.  

Thank You Audrey

Today I had to give a group presentation on the effects of Sexual Abuse in the lives of 6-9 year olds. As we where going thought our talk one last time before class started I could not catch my breath and I stumbled over my words. I was so frustrated and overwhelmed with performing. This topic is so important to me and I wanted to show that you have to be aware of this abuse and look for it so you can save other from going though it. It was not until one of the other girls came up for me and told me that thought out our entire meeting and all our talk I did best when I spoke from my past and my passion of this topic. At that moment I took a breath and stopped performing and became real. When I spoke the final time I felt very good about what I presented.  Regardless of the fact that I felt my heart ponding, and my voice felt shakier then ever I was real. And I connected to the topic in a place that was not about a grade but about truth and helping other with healing.  

 After one more class and lunch I came upstairs to my room and mindlessly looked at pintrest. Not something I’m proud to say I have but it works for mindlessly doing nothing. I then found a pin of Audrey Hepburn and one of her quotes...

 
 Once again I was hit by the grace and charm of one of my favorite women ever. 

There is something beautiful about brokenness and with this understand there is a huge need for….. 

Restoration 
Renewal 
Revival
Reclaiming
And redemption.   

I don't believe that Audrey Hepburn had intended this quote to be used for advent but it feels like the most amazing thing to talk about on my 3 day of blogging.  

Through the birth of Christ and his death on the cross we received all 5 qualities. But healing does not just come in thought the choose of salvation but thought out our entire lives. We have to fight for life in a broken world. 

For me today this required that I stop speaking in facts and that I spoke from my heart. I allowed something deep within me to shine out during a topic that I find important.   

This session where are you feeling restoration, renewal, revival, reclaiming, and redemption in your life and how are you speaking these truths into the live of those hurting around you? 

The First Sunday of Advent

Advent.

I did not know what this word meant or why we celebrated it. So this morning after knowing that I was going to be extremely late to church I decided to stay in and find my own sermon. I went with the first day of advent given by Rob Bell two years ago (Which I believe is the sermon that prompted my mother and then my sister to blog for advent). 

Though his teaching I saw just how much meaning this word has and what it means. It is the time before the time. It is the period that comes before Christ's coming. Two quote that he uses that hit me hard where. 

Frederick Beuchner in Whistling in the Dark: "The extraordinary thing that is about to happen is matched only by the extraordinary moment just before it happens. Advent is the name of that moment." 

And 

Joseph Bottum, "What Advent is, really, is a discipline: a way of forming anticipation..."

What I finally understand is that advent is a time to prepare my heart for the awe of what is coming next. Because I live in a broken world I know disappointment all to well. And because of it I have taught my heart how to shut down and block out hope and anticipation because it hurts too much when I experience it. But advent is a time where I seek healing from a perfect God to take the clauses that have covered my heart so that I may feel all that is coming. 

Its a time where I take my 

Cynicism 

Despair 

Bitterness and

 Frustration and replace it with 

Anticipation 

Longing

 Desire 

Expectation 

Waiting 

Soften 

Awaken 

Open

Melt 

Free 

Heal 

Release

It is a time to invite places in my dead heart to come alive. 

It’s a time where I exhibit faith like a child and allow joy to swell up in me. 

Last December my mom gave me a charm that has the word Joy on it with a snowflake on the other side. I wear it all year long but especially love sporting it durning this session. It is so easy to allow my heart to should down, and get caught up in so many superficial ideas. It invites me to be joy-filled.  

I don't remember the last time during Christmas that I ventured into my heart and allowed anticipation to grow, in pass years I sabotaged my self because the fear of having my hopes be missed or lost felt to great. It's interesting that today is the first day that I have felt overwhelmingly home sick and when I called home I started self sabotaging with mom on the other end, and then made myself stop and say what am I doing? This advent I'm going to take a chance and allow my anticipation to grow; to take deep root in my soul and slowly, day by day, grow stronger, brighter, and flower in the most beautiful hope and joy I have experienced.  

Edward Hays says- "Take time, slow down, be still, be awake to the Divine Mystery that looks so common and so ordinary yet is so wondrously present."

So to end this post I am taking the pledged that Rob encouraged the church to take two years ago. 


I, _Allison Johnson_, hereby do solemnly swear to not lose the plot this Christmas season. 
I will not worry, complain, or stress over gift giving, traffic, parties, spiked eggnog or generally annoying busyness.

In the spirit of Advent, I will slow down, be still, awake, and aware of the Divine Mystery that looks so common and so ordinary yet is wondrously present. 

Giving Thanks First

I have never written everyday for Christmas or the Advent calendar. I don't really understand advent(which i plan to change this session) and although it starts tomorrow I am not ready to let go of November. 

A week ago was Thanksgiving, and it was wonderful. It was the first Thanksgiving that I have been to in 3 years. Now that is not to say that I did not celebrate Thanksgiving for the past two years, it means that it was not a celebration of what it means to me. Last year I was in Italy and I was serving Thanksgiving dinner to 40 Italians who were attending English camps where we were also integrating the gospel into the lessons. Two years ago I was at a family friend's house that we were living in wail we were trying to buy our home now. I was a mess and on the edge of walking away from the church (not Christ but the church); it was a time that I was not allowing my self to feel anything. I was numb to my life and the idea of ever feeling like I was going to find a place that was safe for me. I terrified of my life, angry with God, and so very lost. This year was the first year since I was a senior in high school to be home for Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving is different every year, yet there is a wonderful amount of tradition that comes out. Our family comes together, and we start out watching the Macy's Thanksgiving parade wail eating some type of wonderfulness that mom has made. After Santa Clause has waved and passed our screen we laugh at the idea of watching the dog show and then start getting ready for the rest of the day. Depending on how quickly we get dressed we watch/help mom make an epic feast (which we all know she started at 6:15 this morning). We have mash-potatoes the way Steven likes them, great grandma's pumpkin pie with leaves cut out of extra pie crust baked and sprinkled with sugar on top, green bean casserole, stuffing, rolls usually provided by B (along with an appetizer), and many other dishes. In years past we wait for Kim and her sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top to come thought the door with Russ and the boys talking about frying things on the back-porch. In recent years we have watched football, which I am secretly craving to watch, so I never complain about the opportunity to leave the kitchen conversation to take food to the guys. It is a day filled with fellowship. 

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is when we go around the table and say one thing that we are thankful for. This year I fond it hard for me to find words for all that I wanted to say. I had an answer that was not bad but it was not all that I had hoped, so I don't want to go into Christmas without putting words to what I am thankful for. So here is my answer as to what i am thankful for. 

With looking at the past 3 years I am thankful for how much has changed. And most everyone knows that I hate change. But for every heart ache, fear, faith, courage, friendship, family member, life choice, school assignment, trip, event that has occurred I am thankful. I am thankful for God's grace in not allowing me to come to this table again till I had gone thought everything that has been in these 3 years. The last time that I was at this table on this day I was pretty sure about who I was going to marry, what my life was going to look like, where I was going to go to school, and that my faith was as strong as it could be; I was in a great place. Since that day I have seen my brokenness and put words to it. I have dreamed in bigger ways then I could have imagined, I have stopped composing myself and started seeking to honor who I am and just how BELOVED I am. I have scars and marks that do not define me but remind me of who I was and who I want to be. As I look around this table I am thankful for each of the people here and where you have invited me to more. I am thankful to God for how he is making all things new in me. 

This Year

I don't want to write words, I think I want to share images. I see and understand the need for words so often that  I over use them when I simply want to share my life and me heart. In the past I believed that if I didn't have big words or a lot of thing to say people would not purse me, or want to hear what I have to say. I have many things that I hold that are without words and so I wish to just live out of that part of me right now, its a part that is full of color and imagines that I carry. These are from the past year and they are some of my favorite memories and so I share them with complete peace and joy.

                    

  

 

  

  

    

                                       

   

Over the last year this chapter of my life has grown and changed me in ways that I can not fully express. Dreams were lived, and experience in unexpected ways, so now I get to go find new dreams to live. I don't know what this dreams will hold for the next year, but I am having fun discovering them. 

Two Weeks

As I sit alone I am unnervingly aware of the silence. Of my thoughts and of my heart. Its friday, I am in my kitchen after putting the girls down, and its been two weeks.

Two weeks Ago today Nick broke up with me. 

To say that I was expecting it dose not make it easier, in fact I believe that it made it harder, yet its how the cookie crumbled (did I really just write that?). For those of you who did not know I was dating, my bad...... His name is Nick. He is a junior at Columbia University in Chicago. We meet because our parents are good friends. And I fond this out after, but my parents had asked him to befriend me and help me as I moved from living in a small Michigan town to being in the city of Chicago. The idea of this boy scared the shit out of me, and I told him this. But Nick is not my enemy, nor do I want to cast him as a weak, fool who let the best thing he's ever had get away from him as Beyonce has sung it so many time's. He is boy who invited me to believe and trust, wail I hope that I invited him to more. 

Last week was the first time that I actuarially allowed my self to feel the depth of those words. To feel really anything. To finally write down my thoughts, and slowly grasp all that had changed. To laugh about the fact that I "gave" up being single for Lent, or to poke fun at a few of the cliche things that our relationship held; but mostly to cry, and finally allow my self to feel disappointed, let down, and so very sad at what I had lost. 

I want to be honest with you my friends, yet most importantly I want to respect Nick. He did what he felt was right for him, and I believe he thought it was also right for me. This boy had guts, he jumped strait into a relationship, cold turkey. He did not go thought a 6 month period of getting to know me as friends and then having a DTR (which is not a bad way to do it). But he saw something and went for it, and this idea was diffidently a part of our relationship from the begging to the end. And this is me, I have a pretty good idea of all that I require and want in a guy. Nick was unexpected but amazingly perfect for me at the time. This was also a huge God thing because pretty much everybody knew that I did not want to be in a relationship going into this semester. 

But as I sit here I have to acknowledge one very big point and that is that Nick stopped fighting, somewhere along the way he came to the conclusion that I was no longer worth fighting for. Now I know that this is not true. I am worth fighting for, and I am not allowing this break up to define who I am, and all it is that I know I'm allowed to want/require for a relationship. But this is a big point that has to be said because it holds truth and a beginning in move on to what God has next for both of us.

I did not want to break up, and I'm not going to say that Nick was "the one" because I don't know that, nor am I even remarkable close to wanting to get married right now. But I miss his, and he epic enough that I have thought about if anything could ever happen with us when life felt less crazy for the both of us. There is a part of me that really hope for this, and another that knows growth needs to happen for both of us. I need a guy who is going to fight tooth and nail for me, and Nick would need to establish trust and actions that showed this if he decided that he wanted to start anything up again. 

I don't know what is next. Its going to take time, and there is still a hope that I need to see if its going to shrink or expand, there is another person that I have to recognize as having some influence in this, and there is a sovereign God who loves both of us in a very intimate way. So I write, I listen to my break up playlist on iTunes(I have a epic one), I take long walks, I seek beauty in the art of photography, and I take deep breaths on the hardest days to remind me that I am still alive. That I have choose a life of hope, and that require me to seek for more. I have chosen to fight for a life filled with adventure, and with a muddy smile one my face I will invite you and ask once more if you are with me on this journey?  

Come Awake

I sang a song on friday in chapel with the body of christ here at moody. It was the entire school with one heart singing to the God a the universe. I am part of a something so much bigger than me. I am so aware of who God is in me and what he has done in my life. I have lived a life being lukewarm, i was the church in Laodicea. And to brush up on my past sickness of lukewarmness i looked up what the angle said to the church in Laodicea.....

Revelation 3: 14-22
14 “To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. 15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

19 Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. 20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

21 To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”

I will spit you out of my mouth. Christ would rather us be cold or hot. How them is it that I look at the people walking on the streets of Chicago and I see their faces and know that they may not know my God, the one who has taken on my sin and loved me regardless of what i have done yet I do nothing, and the Body of christ dose nothing. I have learned and seen the generation that i have song about for so many years wail singing Hosanna. I look at the generation before me and see little passion and life, and i look to the generation beneath me where they are seeking and longing for leadership and I see my generation and i sing this with them.......

Click on this and watch the video.

Christ Has Risen lyrics
by Matt Maher

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
But fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love
And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but heaven's will
No scheme of hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down
In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead
He's alive! He's alive!


Church come awake, stop cowering in the corner. Christ has risen from the dead and defeated death and yet we are still dead as we come to worship not only on Sunday morning but everyday of our lives. I long and wait for the day when it dose not just feel like a few of my generation is awake. Will you long for that day with me.