The Sin of Skinny Jeans (Read with caution)

Today I feel sad. It was a really easy day and was the last Friday I had left of the year. But I fond my self in a conversation at dinner that left me feeling frustrated and so very stirred up. Going to a Christian college you meet people of all walks in life. And many of them will not agree with you. But this is different then a liberal arts college because you are disagreeing about something so fundamentally rooted in your life, your faith. If I was in high school I would have a skewed you mentally where I could not care. But when it comes to hear it’s harder to do with people who you call your brothers and sister is Christ. 

The conversations was one of the most unbelievable I have had here. It was about skinny jeans. For half an hour I hear options from all over the table about how they are not glorifying to God. Hahahaha ok being serious now... 

To some people the idea of modesty is very important and I would say that this is a topic that I want to live in. I want to dress in a manor that is a reflection of who I am a beautiful women and a women who is striving after Gods own heart. So no I am not going to sport snookies newest line of clothing. HOWEVER, I have seen the shit that comes out of legalism and sin and the cage of shame it creates around a person. It breaks my heart that life is killed thought this idea of clothing and how much it affect my school and life in general. 

Now I am aware that this topic is one that will cause you to disagree with me, great!!! Praise the lamb that you are not I, and that we are individuals. This is my options and in no way is it a reflection of Moody Bible Institute or any of their affiliates.

So moving on these where points in the conversations...

Point: It causes guys to sin, and we need to assist them. 

My thoughts: Ok it dose not matter what you are wearing at least one guy you come in counter with is going to struggle with what you are wearing. Period. Your boy friend, a guy you are close to, a random stranger on the street, it's going to happen. Also ok its not my responsibility to submit to all these guys, not to say that my heart is not to help the and as the bible says I don't want to cause a brother to fall, but why must I sacrifice my self to fit into a box that is differently marked for each guy I see on campus? I can't hold this on me and I won't. I am going to listen to my heart, I have the spirit of the most high God living breathing in me, and if I feel his conviction on my heart I will act. I will serve my God first and foremost and trust him, but my heart and my mind is clear in this measure. I am without any regret about the clothes I own and had in my closet. So for my brother who struggle I am sorry, and I am praying, and if you have a problem I would love to love you well, but man up and tell me, please. And this is probably a really bad thing to say however this is open for a conversations with me which I would love for you to teach me but, I am not dressing any differently them any of the Christians that I have met in city’s all over this country, and even in the world, so why must I change because I step foot on this campus, I would love to help you work thought this idea now because if we dull everything down and fit every problem what are you going to do when your in ministry, because I promise that marriage is not going to fix this problem. But again this topic my have many other facets to it that i am just missing and would love to better understand if i am totally missing it. 

Point: It makes girls feel insecure about them sleeves if they struggle with body image. 

My thoughts: I was one of those girls, and out of shame I cover my skin, so my mind and heart sometimes associate clothing with shame. Now let me explain. I am not wearing hucky momma outfits. I am not saying the less cloths the better but again I am going to the heart. I was a girl who was ashamed of my femininity, my body, and almost everything about my self, and thought the grace of my God I am now comfortable in my won skin and know that this is how God made me. I love who I am, and how he made me. I am not going to dress hoping that I cause a guy to stubble, however I am going to wear cloths that flatter my figure. And for those who are struggling with your body image I am sorry. I know what it feels like, and I know that tears that you cry; however I know the mentality of comparing and it is Satan coming for your joy. You are a beautifully made in God's image. Don't let Satan come for your joy, but please don't ask me for mine. 

Again this is my view, if you have something you want to say please don’t leave a comment but talk to me, and if you want to argue or to just tell me I’m wrong please don't. I want to have real conversations and I am not going to engage in something that is going to waste both of our time. Life is to short to waste time on disagreements that will leave both parties’ feeling missed and hurt. 

I guess why this effected me so much was because I asked the question "Why is this what we are talking about?" about 60 times during and after this conversation.  Why do we have these conversations that cause nothing productive to happen. I am all for educating however conversation that I go into feels like its them agents me, and if I don't convert I am a sinner. There is no grace; there is not life in these conversations just personal opinions and college student theology (which feels shallow and uneducated because we are in a bubble). And I am so guilty of this and working to fix it. But I guess after I left I thought wow people are hurting, dying, being abuse, going hungry, loosing a parent to drugs, alcohol, divorce, and so many other things and we are talking about the tightness of material around my caves? Dose this seam logical to you? 

Jesus did not come to fix my jeans, he came to save, and during advent I am suppose to be preparing my self for his coming, I feel like I may have failed to meet this today. I don't plan on doing it again. I want to live and invite others to live, and I don't feel like this happened in this conversation. 

Going Home

I have thoughts' and blogs rolling around in my head. Some that I believe will make a showing before this session is done however they feel like they deserve more words them I am capable of giving tonight. 

Today was the turn in day of my last big paper. It was the place that I had to get to before I took a day to breath and rest. I have a rather large final project for French on Monday, a very short paper that needs some fluffing, a little bit of reading due Thursday, and then a final on Wednesday the 19. Then it’s Christmas. The anticipations are swelling in my chest. 

A year ago on Tuesday I was getting back from Italy,

A year ago today I opened my acceptance packet from moody, 

This week I have many parties, conversations, and plans to make with my friends here, 

but in 12 days I will be leaving for home. 

I had to opportunity to catch up with a friend from San Antonio today and we talked about the comfort of home. How even though we are grown up there is something about going home. A part of you takes a deep breath and the idea of working/ being on guard is gone. 

I wonder what it felt to journey to Bethlehem. If their a part of Joseph and Mary that where excited because this is where they where from, not in this is a place they lived but the idea of heritage. That David was from there so this is where they went. What must it have been like? And that they knew that they where a part of the prophesy that they had been praying to have happen for their entire lives. 

Again I don't know but these are all thoughts that I am pondering tonight. To end I want to share one of my favorite songs on one of my favorite Christmas albums. It's kinda an anchor, I'm not that far from going home. That I'm not that far from experiencing with those I love most the joy and anticipations of Christ birth.  

Lord Give Me Strength

Today I am reminded of a since from the Movie Ever After. Danielle is about to try and save her dear friend who has been sold into slavery and is about to be shipped off to America because of the step mother had no money, so she was sacrificing him to pay her dept. Danielle is dressed above she status and is facing punishment of the stocks and humiliation if she is noticed, if she fails then she looses her friend. She can't not fail. But the one part that I was connately reminded of today was when her nerves are getting her and she is running but then she's her fiend and the slave keeper in her way of getting him back and she lets out the words

"Lord give me strength."

Today I know I utter this phrase serval times. I had a paper that is worth 25% of my grade due tomorrow and had 8 pages to go. 

It was said as a woman I care for took the huge step of being honest and going for something she hoped for.

It was said by Mary when looking at the man she loved knowing that he would soon know what the angle had told her. 

It was said by Joseph when he took Mary as his wife after she started showing, which was him practically telling the community that it was his fault that she was pregnant and that he was the one who would be shamed.

They said it together as they took off down the road to Bethlehem. 

Lord give me strength. WE know that we are not God based off the fact that we are weak. That we are dependent on things to survive. But that we also just need to say this phrase when the impossible is in front of us or when we ask our hearts if the risk is worth it and if hope is strong enough. 

During this session I am reminded of where I am weak and need help however where God is stronger and where this little phrase can bring so much joy and comfort when our tiredness and doubt creeps in. 

Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel

Today is Tuesday which means that its presidents chapel so both students and faculty (1500 or so) come together to worship and listen to teaching. The dean of music started worship. And it was Come, Thou Long-Expected Jesus done wail he was playing the organ. It was pretty but received a small jump for me and then a giggle when our conductor belted out the choirs the first time.

The next song was the one that hit me deep within my soul. It was Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel, but we sang it acappella. I know that Katy and Mom have talked about this being sung in Church on Sunday and being aware of where they were "rescued" from that longing and outcry in their hearts, however this is not the way that it was song today. It was beautiful and yet piercingly painful. With one voice I experienced the body coming together to sing out a plea of rescue of Christ return. For the first time I saw out a cry that was not only song (metaphorically because the Latin hymn was not written till the 12th cent) before Christ came for the first time but now in my broken world I am sing out "O come oh come Emmanuel......and drive away the shades of night; and pierce the clouds and bring us light."

God with us, Emmanuel come soon, come and rescues us from the brokenness from my life that is not complete and that is still longing to be home. Come Emmanuel for I wait the day that I will see your face for the first time and feel your embrace. To feel you fully. I long for home. I long for your presence, and I long to be made complete. 

So come Emmanuel and bring your peace.  

Thank You Audrey

Today I had to give a group presentation on the effects of Sexual Abuse in the lives of 6-9 year olds. As we where going thought our talk one last time before class started I could not catch my breath and I stumbled over my words. I was so frustrated and overwhelmed with performing. This topic is so important to me and I wanted to show that you have to be aware of this abuse and look for it so you can save other from going though it. It was not until one of the other girls came up for me and told me that thought out our entire meeting and all our talk I did best when I spoke from my past and my passion of this topic. At that moment I took a breath and stopped performing and became real. When I spoke the final time I felt very good about what I presented.  Regardless of the fact that I felt my heart ponding, and my voice felt shakier then ever I was real. And I connected to the topic in a place that was not about a grade but about truth and helping other with healing.  

 After one more class and lunch I came upstairs to my room and mindlessly looked at pintrest. Not something I’m proud to say I have but it works for mindlessly doing nothing. I then found a pin of Audrey Hepburn and one of her quotes...

 
 Once again I was hit by the grace and charm of one of my favorite women ever. 

There is something beautiful about brokenness and with this understand there is a huge need for….. 

Restoration 
Renewal 
Revival
Reclaiming
And redemption.   

I don't believe that Audrey Hepburn had intended this quote to be used for advent but it feels like the most amazing thing to talk about on my 3 day of blogging.  

Through the birth of Christ and his death on the cross we received all 5 qualities. But healing does not just come in thought the choose of salvation but thought out our entire lives. We have to fight for life in a broken world. 

For me today this required that I stop speaking in facts and that I spoke from my heart. I allowed something deep within me to shine out during a topic that I find important.   

This session where are you feeling restoration, renewal, revival, reclaiming, and redemption in your life and how are you speaking these truths into the live of those hurting around you? 

The First Sunday of Advent

Advent.

I did not know what this word meant or why we celebrated it. So this morning after knowing that I was going to be extremely late to church I decided to stay in and find my own sermon. I went with the first day of advent given by Rob Bell two years ago (Which I believe is the sermon that prompted my mother and then my sister to blog for advent). 

Though his teaching I saw just how much meaning this word has and what it means. It is the time before the time. It is the period that comes before Christ's coming. Two quote that he uses that hit me hard where. 

Frederick Beuchner in Whistling in the Dark: "The extraordinary thing that is about to happen is matched only by the extraordinary moment just before it happens. Advent is the name of that moment." 

And 

Joseph Bottum, "What Advent is, really, is a discipline: a way of forming anticipation..."

What I finally understand is that advent is a time to prepare my heart for the awe of what is coming next. Because I live in a broken world I know disappointment all to well. And because of it I have taught my heart how to shut down and block out hope and anticipation because it hurts too much when I experience it. But advent is a time where I seek healing from a perfect God to take the clauses that have covered my heart so that I may feel all that is coming. 

Its a time where I take my 

Cynicism 

Despair 

Bitterness and

 Frustration and replace it with 

Anticipation 

Longing

 Desire 

Expectation 

Waiting 

Soften 

Awaken 

Open

Melt 

Free 

Heal 

Release

It is a time to invite places in my dead heart to come alive. 

It’s a time where I exhibit faith like a child and allow joy to swell up in me. 

Last December my mom gave me a charm that has the word Joy on it with a snowflake on the other side. I wear it all year long but especially love sporting it durning this session. It is so easy to allow my heart to should down, and get caught up in so many superficial ideas. It invites me to be joy-filled.  

I don't remember the last time during Christmas that I ventured into my heart and allowed anticipation to grow, in pass years I sabotaged my self because the fear of having my hopes be missed or lost felt to great. It's interesting that today is the first day that I have felt overwhelmingly home sick and when I called home I started self sabotaging with mom on the other end, and then made myself stop and say what am I doing? This advent I'm going to take a chance and allow my anticipation to grow; to take deep root in my soul and slowly, day by day, grow stronger, brighter, and flower in the most beautiful hope and joy I have experienced.  

Edward Hays says- "Take time, slow down, be still, be awake to the Divine Mystery that looks so common and so ordinary yet is so wondrously present."

So to end this post I am taking the pledged that Rob encouraged the church to take two years ago. 


I, _Allison Johnson_, hereby do solemnly swear to not lose the plot this Christmas season. 
I will not worry, complain, or stress over gift giving, traffic, parties, spiked eggnog or generally annoying busyness.

In the spirit of Advent, I will slow down, be still, awake, and aware of the Divine Mystery that looks so common and so ordinary yet is wondrously present. 

Giving Thanks First

I have never written everyday for Christmas or the Advent calendar. I don't really understand advent(which i plan to change this session) and although it starts tomorrow I am not ready to let go of November. 

A week ago was Thanksgiving, and it was wonderful. It was the first Thanksgiving that I have been to in 3 years. Now that is not to say that I did not celebrate Thanksgiving for the past two years, it means that it was not a celebration of what it means to me. Last year I was in Italy and I was serving Thanksgiving dinner to 40 Italians who were attending English camps where we were also integrating the gospel into the lessons. Two years ago I was at a family friend's house that we were living in wail we were trying to buy our home now. I was a mess and on the edge of walking away from the church (not Christ but the church); it was a time that I was not allowing my self to feel anything. I was numb to my life and the idea of ever feeling like I was going to find a place that was safe for me. I terrified of my life, angry with God, and so very lost. This year was the first year since I was a senior in high school to be home for Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving is different every year, yet there is a wonderful amount of tradition that comes out. Our family comes together, and we start out watching the Macy's Thanksgiving parade wail eating some type of wonderfulness that mom has made. After Santa Clause has waved and passed our screen we laugh at the idea of watching the dog show and then start getting ready for the rest of the day. Depending on how quickly we get dressed we watch/help mom make an epic feast (which we all know she started at 6:15 this morning). We have mash-potatoes the way Steven likes them, great grandma's pumpkin pie with leaves cut out of extra pie crust baked and sprinkled with sugar on top, green bean casserole, stuffing, rolls usually provided by B (along with an appetizer), and many other dishes. In years past we wait for Kim and her sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top to come thought the door with Russ and the boys talking about frying things on the back-porch. In recent years we have watched football, which I am secretly craving to watch, so I never complain about the opportunity to leave the kitchen conversation to take food to the guys. It is a day filled with fellowship. 

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is when we go around the table and say one thing that we are thankful for. This year I fond it hard for me to find words for all that I wanted to say. I had an answer that was not bad but it was not all that I had hoped, so I don't want to go into Christmas without putting words to what I am thankful for. So here is my answer as to what i am thankful for. 

With looking at the past 3 years I am thankful for how much has changed. And most everyone knows that I hate change. But for every heart ache, fear, faith, courage, friendship, family member, life choice, school assignment, trip, event that has occurred I am thankful. I am thankful for God's grace in not allowing me to come to this table again till I had gone thought everything that has been in these 3 years. The last time that I was at this table on this day I was pretty sure about who I was going to marry, what my life was going to look like, where I was going to go to school, and that my faith was as strong as it could be; I was in a great place. Since that day I have seen my brokenness and put words to it. I have dreamed in bigger ways then I could have imagined, I have stopped composing myself and started seeking to honor who I am and just how BELOVED I am. I have scars and marks that do not define me but remind me of who I was and who I want to be. As I look around this table I am thankful for each of the people here and where you have invited me to more. I am thankful to God for how he is making all things new in me.